I got my newest packet of paperwork today, Everything seems to be moving in double time now. January 2016 seems so far away, one simple phone call and here we are. I am less than a week away from Pre-Op and just one day over three weeks away from surgery.
Pre-Op starts at 7:30 am. This wouldn't be a big deal if not for the fact that I am working the night before until almost 9 pm and then driving 3.5 hours to Nashville. My day will consist of blood work, EKG, Donor Education and a meeting with the surgeon. This will be followed with a phone call two days later at exactly 10:35 am, I have been told. If all is well I then report for surgery no later than 5:30 am on the 3rd of November.
I am still trying to find feelings more than, "This Is What I Am Supposed To Do". The gentleman and his wife are very grateful and I believe they are wanting to make some sort of connection. I have no real reason to not. I have many "excuses" ; I started a new job, I work nights and weekends, my husband works a lot and opposite shifts to mine so my free time I would rather spend with him, I have house stuff to do when not at work, ... I don't know what to feel and I am certain there is no one way to feel about what we are doing. I am not expecting anything so maybe that is why I am not looking???
Having done three surrogate journeys and becoming so emotionally attached to the couples and their stories and then once the baby is born the relationships go cold it makes me hesitant. I do not need people to get close to me because I am doing something for them only to no longer be important to them when I am no longer needed because the "journey" is done.
I still have types of connections with two of the couples but it is nothing compared to what it was while working on having their babies. I wasn't really looking for connections then, but the intended parents's were in everything I did, ate, went, weighed, peed, pumped (for almost a year). I couldn't do anything without thinking of them and them wanting to know everything about it. I was with them through some of their fears and tears from previous loss so I was emotionally invested, it would take a frozen heart to not feel for these families. Then when the babies were born it was almost as though I never was a part of their lives, except for the milk I provided for a while ... then nothing. The babies were whisked away, while I was still getting stitched up, and I did not see them for days, weeks or months and then years. I did get a few photos of the first baby and frequent photos of the second baby and videos of "firsts" for a while and that was amazing, but life gets busy and I am no longer ... Family??
Is it all on me? I did not want to invade on their special time as a family. I waited for them to reach out to me, so I knew it was okay to be talking to them. I never knew if it was okay. I did go back to work six days after my c-sections, I did not have the luxury of time off and my bosses were "NOT the best". I still had a family, job and church stuff. And again I didn't go into surrogacy to get friends I went into it to help people.
Then there is my own family and being who I am and where I do/don't fit in also makes it difficult to know how to go about being a part of others' lives. To have families that I am a "blood related" part of but to not be an emotional part of. To be a part of a team but not be as valued as the others or even as much as those not a part of the team. To be told ... To be forgotten... To be looked over... To be alone in a group of "family".
I must say that the relationship with the first mom is getting stronger and I have been truly blessed because of this. I like having a friend. This friendship has nothing to do with surrogacy or what happened. It is just nice having a friend!
So I guess that is it. I am not going into this to make friends I am just doing it to help people. I am doing what I have been led to do. I pray "my body to Your service" and this is it. My service; wife, mom, volunteer, surrogacy and now living kidney donor.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Monday, October 3, 2016
The Distractions and the DECISION
We spent last week at Disney World in Florida. The kidney donation board met the Monday we were there and I was told to expect to be contacted early that week after the board voted,(while we were at Disney).
If you have been to Disney World you understand that it is a good distraction from most of what you might have going on in your life. Between fast passes and dinning we had no time to rest or think on things that consume time that should be better spent.
And here we are. Today. I have the pre-op and surgery scheduled but I am missing so many facts and I am waiting for the paperwork to catch up to me. I will write a post when I have more information. I may post some vacation photos as a way to distract me yet again and help pass the time until I hear more.
Thank you everyone who is praying. My head is spinning because this is all moving so fast now but there is still some waiting. I hope to write in more detail as we move forward this is all hard to put in words sometimes and then I let too much time pass. But now the real journey begins.
If you have been to Disney World you understand that it is a good distraction from most of what you might have going on in your life. Between fast passes and dinning we had no time to rest or think on things that consume time that should be better spent.
- We checked in Saturday spent the day at Animal Kingdom and began our affair with too much to eat, many photos being taken, and very sore feet.
- Sunday we walked around Disney Springs; shopped, got family portraits taken, ate lunch and then headed back to the hotel to get ready for the Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party at the Magic Kingdom. More photos.
- Monday we had breakfast at Be Our Guest in the Magic Kingdom. THIS IS A MUST DO!!!!!!!!! We followed that by heading to EPCOT and eating our way around the world after riding the re-imagined Soaring. I found myself praying and thinking about the people who were so strongly dissecting my health and reasoning of why I want to donate a kidney. EPCOT did an amazing job of distracting me. I did buy myself a new crown, umbrella, incense, and my favorite perfume that I can only find there. The food was so good. We at at the Biergarten, another must do. We waddled home to our hotel with feet with pressure blisters and tummies too full. More photos.
- Tuesday I woke up knowing that I could be getting a call. We "slept" in and skipped our first fast pass of the day and headed to our Behind the Seeds tour at EPCOT(10:30 am so not too much sleeping). While waiting for the tour to begin, MY PHONE RANG WITH A KNOXVILLE NUMBER. I answered and heard the words so many people have been praying I would hear, "you have been approved". I immediately started crying and then the tour guide showed up to start the tour. The nurse on the other end gave me a moment to compose myself and I quietly listened and replied as needed. We celebrated by again eating our way around the world at EPCOT. Then once again waddled back home to our hotel at the end of the evening. More photos.
- I wanted to get a celebration button, I wanted to tell everyone what God was doing and allowing me to be a part of.
- Wednesday we headed back to the Magic Kingdom and did most of our favorites, it is hard to do it ALL. We finished our day with dinner at Chef Mickey's watching the fireworks over Cinderella's castle. It was easier to relax knowing that the decision had been made and I now know what direction this new journey is taking next. More photos.
- Thursday we spent the day at Hollywood Studios. We rode all the rides, We got more photos taken. And again we ate too much food, This was also the day we had to take one of our party to the airport so he could start his journey home. It is always hard to be a family a part. It is especially hard now that our children are 20 and 22. I am always thinking this could be the last BIG trip together. I am also facing reality that this could be my last trip. I am having major surgery and giving a part of me away. I know my life is at risk everyday, but this time I am putting an undue/unnatural risk on my life.
And here we are. Today. I have the pre-op and surgery scheduled but I am missing so many facts and I am waiting for the paperwork to catch up to me. I will write a post when I have more information. I may post some vacation photos as a way to distract me yet again and help pass the time until I hear more.
Thank you everyone who is praying. My head is spinning because this is all moving so fast now but there is still some waiting. I hope to write in more detail as we move forward this is all hard to put in words sometimes and then I let too much time pass. But now the real journey begins.
Colonoscopy 8/14
Is there a need to say more? The prep is always awful; they starve you, they make you drink awful flavored "beverage", and you spend hours sitting on the toilet.
The Dr. found one polyp and removed it for testing and found a place in my upper colon where something was pushing in on it. He believed my colon to look healthy. He thought the "lump" he saw pushing in on my colon was just another organ, I have had a CT scan and a test that checks for tumor markers and have nothing to worry about.
I just got the paperwork stating that the polyp is not cancer. I was presented to the deciding board and their decision will be in the post that follows this one.
The Dr. found one polyp and removed it for testing and found a place in my upper colon where something was pushing in on it. He believed my colon to look healthy. He thought the "lump" he saw pushing in on my colon was just another organ, I have had a CT scan and a test that checks for tumor markers and have nothing to worry about.
I just got the paperwork stating that the polyp is not cancer. I was presented to the deciding board and their decision will be in the post that follows this one.
Monday, August 29, 2016
The Voice of GOD
I have mentioned hearing the Voice of God before. I have questioned if I am hearing Him correctly, am I worthy of the call, was I imagining it all, and the biggest question... "Am I CRAZY?"
I cannot do this experience justice. There are no words that can explain hearing and knowing the Voice of GOD. There are so many emotions, too many for words. Words are too small, colors too plain and pale, songs too simple to describe GOD's Greatness. I have done my best to put into words just one of the times I have heard His Voice.
Yesterday I woke up and started getting ready for church and the drive to Atlanta that was to follow. My husband had asked me a couple of times if me and the kids were going to an early service before we headed out on the trip. He had to work 7:30 am to 8:30 pm so he was unable to go with us and all of us had been working the past couple of Sundays so this would be the first time the kids and I could go together. I sat on my bed trying to figure out which church and which service, we have been attending one local church more than another but we were looking for a closer one to home to become active members of. My heart was unsettled about both churches and then I heard His Voice. God encouraged me to go to church in GA, Grace Fellowship in Snellville, we had attended there several times before we moved and always walked away fed and refreshed. We had a hard time connecting to the other members but always learned more of God's Word when we went. (Side note, this is where the first surrogate baby and her family attend.)
So I looked up the times of their services and as long as we left early enough we would be able to pick up head shots (in wrong direction), kiss David "see you later" (in wrong direction), make the usual "trip stop" at a coffee shop, get to Atlanta, find something to eat, book a hotel for the night and drive past the location that my son had an appointment at Monday morning before making it to the 5:15 pm service.
I shared this idea with my husband and he thought it was a great idea. I was talking to him on the phone and when I mentioned going to Grace the kids got right up and started getting ready to go, mostly a rare occurrence (getting right up).
We got in the car, did our local errands and headed south. We got to Atlanta, drove by the appointment location, got food, booked the hotel and walked in to Grace Fellowship for the evening service.
While sitting there waiting for it to start there It was again, the Voice of GOD. HE told me to ask someone to pray with me before I leave, I tried to talk myself into believing His Voice wasn't real this time. I tried to tell myself it was my anxiousness from the trip, the appointment the following day, the kidney donation, my new job, some emotions I have been struggling with... It had to be anything but His Voice. So I distracted myself with a quick call to the hotel to confirm our reservation, I told myself that the staff would be way to busy and I was just being needy and emotional. But, He told me again to have someone pray with me before I leave the building. And as the service started it became apparent that I had heard Him, GOD, correctly. The service that evening was a worship, communion and prayer service. There it was, He had it all planned out. Not only was the staff not too busy but He, GOD, had arranged a service just for the purpose of praying for His people. I turned and looked at the kids and told them I was going to go for prayer when the time came.
When the time for prayer came I immediately got up out of my seat and row and starting walking toward the prayer team members waiting. As I walked I asked GOD who I was to go to for prayer. I knew that if He brought me all the way to Grace Fellowship, in GA from TN, to be prayed over He had someone/s specific set aside for me and this exact moment. I walked past a couple of prayer team members and there they were, the people GOD had there to pray for me. I walked up and told them I have a crazy story and a unique prayer request. I told them that I woke up that morning in Pigeon Forge, TN and when trying to figure out where to go to church that morning GOD told me to go to Grace Fellowship in Snellville, GA. I told them that GOD had told me to be prayed over before I left the building and that here He had even provided a prayer service for me. I then told them that I was seeking prayer over my upcoming test and board meeting for the kidney donation. How blessed yet unworthy that GOD would choose me for two surrogacy journeys and now this. They prayed over me, asking, thanking, praising, encouraging. Then there it was... GOD's reassurance to me. One of them told me that they actually knew someone who had just completed the testing and was donating her kidney to a complete stranger 8-31-16(Jessica F. you rock!). They had been praying over someone already for the exact same reasons.
I wish I could find the descriptors to use in telling this
His Voice is real. HE IS REAL. HE is Alive, in me. I am listening.
Here is another time I wrote about the Voice of GOD.
http://mommomish.blogspot.com/2009/08/did-he-dial-right-number.html
I cannot do this experience justice. There are no words that can explain hearing and knowing the Voice of GOD. There are so many emotions, too many for words. Words are too small, colors too plain and pale, songs too simple to describe GOD's Greatness. I have done my best to put into words just one of the times I have heard His Voice.
Yesterday I woke up and started getting ready for church and the drive to Atlanta that was to follow. My husband had asked me a couple of times if me and the kids were going to an early service before we headed out on the trip. He had to work 7:30 am to 8:30 pm so he was unable to go with us and all of us had been working the past couple of Sundays so this would be the first time the kids and I could go together. I sat on my bed trying to figure out which church and which service, we have been attending one local church more than another but we were looking for a closer one to home to become active members of. My heart was unsettled about both churches and then I heard His Voice. God encouraged me to go to church in GA, Grace Fellowship in Snellville, we had attended there several times before we moved and always walked away fed and refreshed. We had a hard time connecting to the other members but always learned more of God's Word when we went. (Side note, this is where the first surrogate baby and her family attend.)
So I looked up the times of their services and as long as we left early enough we would be able to pick up head shots (in wrong direction), kiss David "see you later" (in wrong direction), make the usual "trip stop" at a coffee shop, get to Atlanta, find something to eat, book a hotel for the night and drive past the location that my son had an appointment at Monday morning before making it to the 5:15 pm service.
I shared this idea with my husband and he thought it was a great idea. I was talking to him on the phone and when I mentioned going to Grace the kids got right up and started getting ready to go, mostly a rare occurrence (getting right up).
We got in the car, did our local errands and headed south. We got to Atlanta, drove by the appointment location, got food, booked the hotel and walked in to Grace Fellowship for the evening service.
While sitting there waiting for it to start there It was again, the Voice of GOD. HE told me to ask someone to pray with me before I leave, I tried to talk myself into believing His Voice wasn't real this time. I tried to tell myself it was my anxiousness from the trip, the appointment the following day, the kidney donation, my new job, some emotions I have been struggling with... It had to be anything but His Voice. So I distracted myself with a quick call to the hotel to confirm our reservation, I told myself that the staff would be way to busy and I was just being needy and emotional. But, He told me again to have someone pray with me before I leave the building. And as the service started it became apparent that I had heard Him, GOD, correctly. The service that evening was a worship, communion and prayer service. There it was, He had it all planned out. Not only was the staff not too busy but He, GOD, had arranged a service just for the purpose of praying for His people. I turned and looked at the kids and told them I was going to go for prayer when the time came.
When the time for prayer came I immediately got up out of my seat and row and starting walking toward the prayer team members waiting. As I walked I asked GOD who I was to go to for prayer. I knew that if He brought me all the way to Grace Fellowship, in GA from TN, to be prayed over He had someone/s specific set aside for me and this exact moment. I walked past a couple of prayer team members and there they were, the people GOD had there to pray for me. I walked up and told them I have a crazy story and a unique prayer request. I told them that I woke up that morning in Pigeon Forge, TN and when trying to figure out where to go to church that morning GOD told me to go to Grace Fellowship in Snellville, GA. I told them that GOD had told me to be prayed over before I left the building and that here He had even provided a prayer service for me. I then told them that I was seeking prayer over my upcoming test and board meeting for the kidney donation. How blessed yet unworthy that GOD would choose me for two surrogacy journeys and now this. They prayed over me, asking, thanking, praising, encouraging. Then there it was... GOD's reassurance to me. One of them told me that they actually knew someone who had just completed the testing and was donating her kidney to a complete stranger 8-31-16(Jessica F. you rock!). They had been praying over someone already for the exact same reasons.
I wish I could find the descriptors to use in telling this
His Voice is real. HE IS REAL. HE is Alive, in me. I am listening.
Here is another time I wrote about the Voice of GOD.
http://mommomish.blogspot.com/2009/08/did-he-dial-right-number.html
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