Surrogacy can get in the way sometimes...

Surrogacy costs my family other "things" than money.  

Today my sister and brother are moving my mom into a nursing home.  I can't go home to help.  My mom lives in Iowa.  It is a 15 hour drive straight through.  I am currently 7 weeks pregnant.  There is no way I can ride in a car for 15 hours straight.  I am not allowed to travel without "written permission" from the IVF Dr.  

I just found out last Friday evening.  I thought the date was would be a little farther in the future so I could get everything on my end together so I could help, I mean I just found out the week before that they were seriously talking to the social worker about it.  I had arranged to take 11 days off over Christmas because that is the time-frame mom had been talking. 6 days notice is not enough.  I've needed to travel for work and I had to get permission weeks in advance. Unfortunately, I got back from a work trip late the night before I was told they were moving my mom and I need to leave again Tuesday.  

This stinks.  I want to be there for my mom, sister and brother.  I don't want to be seen as the child who doesn't care.  I love my mom.  Please pray for my family as they get everything together.  Pray for my mom as she surrenders her "freedom".  Pray that I am able to be of some help from here and when I do get to go home.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Be with my family. Please guard, guide and direct our ways as we move into this new phase of my mom's life.   Please help me to be there for them even though I am so far away.
Amen

More Contract ... REALLY?

I am struggling right now.  

Yesterday I was greeted with a text from the lawyer that helped our family with the contract.  She was referencing an email that I had not yet read. "I'm going to let you handle that email, 'cause I won't be nice in my response. ..." (text) "A and I really apologize for overlooking any part of the contract. I have to be honest and say that I have not read over the contract as I should, but will make a concerted effort to do so this weekend.  A ... we were responsible for Miscellaneous expenses* for July and Aug on top of the $*** at time of meds and the $*** at time of transfer.  We would never try to back out of our obligations ... let us know if you have a concern.  We will get ... squared away.  The only other concern ... the cost of your attorney.  If we owe the money we will pay it, ..., Attorney C and her staff completed the bulk of the contract including legal wording for Georgia, we all were apart of agreeing on the bottomline fees, ..., so I feel slightly irritated that a fee of $**** would be charged to us.  My source of reference is that our previous surrogate ..., therefore, her attorney was not only apart of the bottomline, but also responsible for adding all of the legal wording for the state of ..., her entire fee was $****.  My thinking is that $*** fair." (Email from my IM, my lawyer was referring to)  

I am very uncomfortable with the situation S's email eludes to. I have spoken with my attorney and she has agreed to S's $***.  My concern is that the invoice for my attorney was submitted July 18, 2012 over a month before the embryo transfer.  I should have been notified that there were concerns long before I agreed to and followed through with the date of August 20, 2012 for a transfer. Here I am with the stress of money issues trying my best to take care A and S's baby.  I am concerned with the statement made by S above, about reading the contract(a statement made before in July more than once). I feel as though A and S do not fully understand the contract that they signed. I am also concerned that there were details that were not talked about, especially after the monthly allowance* questions. My initial email questioning the parameters of the allowance was sent July 30, 2012 and was resolved August 21, 2012, and only after a fourth email was sent. I have been very upfront that I have a $*** deductible. Are A and S aware that they will need to pay my deductible, or is everyone expecting me to take care of that, if so please let me know now so I can put money away each month to cover that expense.  A and S are also responsible to pay for a life insurance policy that they are partial beneficiaries of, or is that going to be a problem when I submit that expense?.

I can feel S's "irritation" above. I am concerned that these circumstances if continued will cloud our relationship with resentment over money and concessions.  I currently feel trapped, and somewhat betrayed, in a bad situation that could turn into something much worse. I would have appreciated all of these concerns to have been addressed before we signed and/or transferred.  I spent much time and consideration on the contract before signing it. I purposely agreed to everything in it knowing how restrictive it is on my life, but understanding it is for the comfort and reassurance of A and S and safety of their embryo/baby.  

Frustrated.  What now?  Enough rambling and venting!

Dear Heavenly Father, Holy Spirit and Precious Jesus, my Savior,

Guard, Guide and Direct me, please.

Amen

First Progesterone In Oil shot

Surrogacy takes a lot of medicines.  I have been taking daily shots of Lupron(in my what I like to call stomach muscle protectant). Tomorrow marks the last of 34 Lupron shots.  Last night was the first of an undetermined amount of Progesterone In Oil shots.  My husband David has given me all but three(maybe) for the past two journeys and last night was the first of many for this journey.  He is a PRO.  I didn't feel a thing.  I have a video on my YouTube channel if you would like to see.

 http://youtu.be/jh5_zrhLO2w

The first shot of PIO means that the transfer is very close.  I feel like this has taken a long time to get to this point,  March 2012 to now. There are still some $$$ issues I am waiting on answers for.  But, that being said, I have come too far and this couple has waited too long to get to this point and quit over a possible misunderstanding.  

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the blessings of service.  Thank you for my best friend who is there for me and willing to go against his every, "I will not hurt my wife", to give me my shots.  Thank you for LOVING me (ALL CAPS) not anything small, but everything BIG and all consuming LOVE. 

Amen

How do I ask? What do I say?

Money is a very difficult topic to talk about.  How do you bring up the subject that someone owes you money???  How do you bring it up within a situation that isn’t supposed to be about the money?

I do not want this relationship to be about me asking for money.  I want it to be about the IP’s becoming P’s.  If I have to ask for money that makes it about money. 

I am a surrogate.  I am being reimbursed for my expenses and time.  We have a contract that has laid out the parameters of who, how, when, why, and how much.  There are expenses involved.  I have been driving to Dr. appointments since March.  I have been missing work, paying for the gas, paying for the parking, paying the co-pays, working my full-time job that provides the health insurance and taking prenatal vitamins to be certain my folic is at a “healthy for the baby” level.  Our contract was delivered to me on Friday July 13, 2012 (VIA UPS) we signed and got it notarized the same day and sent it back on Monday (VIA UPS).  The contract states that upon the signing of the contract I am to get a monthly allowance to help me pay for the above mentioned.  I am also to get reimbursed for “procedures”.  I have not gotten my allowance or reimbursement for the procedure.  I am okay with not getting the reimbursement for the procedure, but I could really use the allowance.  I have had to purchase more prenatal vitamins, more alcohol swabs for the injections and miss a couple of hours of work, pay for gas and parking and I will need to miss a couple more hours of work, pay for parking and gas, on Friday. 

Because I did not get an allowance at the signing I have brought this question to the IP’s lawyers and my lawyer Monday July 30, 2012, but have heard nothing back.  I brought it up again Friday August 3, 2012.  My lawyer told me she would contact the IP’s lawyer Monday August 6, 2012, I have not heard anything. I have found out that the IP’s lawyer is currently out of town until Monday August 13, 2012.  Where does that leave me?

I am really frustrated.  The lawyers have been paid.  I am spending money.  I am doing my part and NO ONE needs to ask or tell me to do what I am responsible to do.  Why do I need to ask others to be responsible to do what they are responsible for?  I have been taking my meds on time every day since July 14, 2012, changing doses as directed, giving myself a shot every morning.  I have been to 7 Dr./tests appointments since March.  I understand that most were pre-contract, but the IP’s must understand that most of these were pre-contract.  This means that I have gone above and beyond.  I did most of this, spent all my time and money getting ready for the contract without an allowance or reimbursement for 4 months.  That was 4 months not paying an allowance or reimbursement for my expenses. 

What do I do?

Dear Heavenly Father,

You are in control.

Amen

Cycle day 6 and still negotiating

Lawyers are needed.  Lawyers can get “in the way”.  Lawyers are here to protect us.  Lawyers believe in themselves.  Lawyers make a “regular” person feel taken care of.  After all, that is what they are being “retained” to do.  Lawyers protect us from others and ourselves. 

In the first journey we did not get our own representation.  We believed that we would get fair representation, which did not happen.  The second journey we went with a law firm (The IP’s current law firm) that I had talked to about helping one of their “clients” (in the future possibly).  I met with two of the firm’s lawyers (June 2011) they told me how unfairly we had been treated previously, told me how much I should have been  compensated and told me what they would be asking for compensation for me.  Then months later they asked me to help a couple they had represented a couple of times before.  I thought we have had the conversation they had given me a dollar amount, they know what we “need” based on my wages and previous contract negotiations, they know my doctor, they know where I preferred to delivered, and they know my insurance they have “looked” through it twice now. They are now saying that the wording in the previous contract, the one they represented me in, had wording that if used for this contract could appear as insurance fraud.  WHAT????? Why is it now that they are not representing me it isn’t good enough but when they supposed to be MY lawyers it was ok?  That my Dr isn’t good enough and that the hospital is not good enough???

I have had cycle day one.  It came two days after the date I would have started meds based on the day that should have been cycle day one.  The lawyer had “conveniently” sent a fax to the RE stating that we had “negotiated the terms of the Gestational Agreement” on May 18, 2012, so that I could start meds when they wanted. (I hadn’t even seen a contract yet)  I got the contract June 6, 2012, five days after my projected cycle start.  I find it disheartening that it was so important to take care of the IP’s that “they” would be untruthful in order to work out their intended timeframe and not have me taken care of fairly.  I would have been on meds. I would have felt “forced “to sign a contract having already been on meds.  My life and family’s lives and my schedule have been on hold since I committed to this in early March. 

I feel “picked on” or “bullied” by a lawyer that came to me and asked me to help.  I feel it all started when I said I wanted our own representation.  But… the contract was unfair and very one-sided.  The comp was LOW.  Every part of my life was being “restricted’, my doctor, my hospital, my diet, my travel, my value (lost wages), my choice of doctor is being challenged again.  They would rather I go to a Dr. that knows the IF as a “buddy” rather than me go to a doctor that knows my body and the previous pregnancy.  They want me to deliver at a hospital that is almost twice as far away and up a road that is “prone” to “rush hour” traffic in which a person can sit in for several minutes to an hour or more at times.  The hospital I delivered at, and would prefer to deliver at again, for various reasons; level III NICU second in the state, less than 10 miles away from my home and even closer to work, and the treatment they provided on my first surrogacy journey was AMAZING.  I told my lawyer to inform the IP’s lawyers that if they wouldn’t agree to using my doctor that the RE could pick a doctor that neither side had ties to and I would switch.  The lawyer wants the power to approve or disprove any travel.  The lawyer is pushing the hospital.  No one besides me is going to be “naked”, I am the one doing all the “work”, and I have a family, job and life.   I do not understand the “change” in camaraderie. I am not asking for special treatment, I am asking for a Dr that I believe in and he knows me, a hospital that I know will take care of me and make special arrangements for the IP’s.   I am asking to value me at what I make not at what I am worth, because I am worth A LOT more than a dollar amount that a man decided to pay me more than five years ago.  I understand that the IP’s are spending a fortune.  I understand that the IVF cost a lot. 

The money isn’t my issue.  Compensation is compensation. But I am a grown woman.  I have had two babies of my own.  I have had a surrogate baby. I have had no complications while pregnant, other than the baby having tachycardia.  SO treat me like I am a grown woman that knows what she is doing, that is intelligent enough to make the right decisions, which would not risk the life of anyone’s over her life. 

I pray that we are on the way to agreement.  I pray that God guides my heart, mind, words and actions.  I pray for success.  I pray that the IP’s become P’s.  I pray that God is GLORIFIED. 

Heavenly Father,  You know my heart.  You know my fears, You know my worth.  Heavenly Father You know the desires of the IP’s hearts.  Lord, Your will not mine.  not my life, but Yours.

Amen

Here I sit 10 Days late and 4 Negative HPT's

So… Here I sit.  I have received the contract as of June 5, 2012.  I am currently 10 days late and 4 negative HPT’s late for the start of my cycle.  I have never been this late.  I believe the stress of May got to me and I did not ovulate.  Here is what May was to me.
• Delay in getting contract.
o Based on waiting for test results(they were complete 5-15-12)
• My father-in-laws Cancer is back and fighting, all other forms of defense have been played, he is moving on toward Chemo
o Had first treatment
• Mother’s Day (a sad IM not getting to celebrate it)
• Our 19th wedding anniversary
• Our daughter turned 16
• My Birthday
• In-Laws came to visit
• Our son graduated high school
• VBS worship team rehearsal twice weekly
• Two weeks before VBS a new songs added and needs to be choreographed
• The company I work for is facing many difficulties and the pressure has been put on.
• Waiting for my cycle to start June 1-3, 2012

I got the contract there are “concerns”
o Base comp(quite a bit lower than what this same law firm told me I should ask for a year ago when we met{before they started their own agency})
o Travel restrictions that would not allow me to go see my son at college his first year of school, or even move him there without getting together with a Dr and receiving permission.
o Lost wages more than $300.00 less, a week, than what I “bring home” weekly.
o Required to deliver at a hospital that my OB/GYN does not deliver at, so I would be required to change Dr’s (How many people need to see me naked?)
o Someone named Donald as the beneficiary/guardian of my life insurance policy for my underage children if I die.
o And a statement that “said” my husband and I expressly waived rights for legal representation.
o Not allowed to BLOG

I know everyone is “in a hurry” to get the meds started.  Believe me I wish we were at a point of starting.  I just know that I need to take care of my family first and foremost.  I understand that the IP’s need to be protected, the problem is so do I and if everyone is looking out for them who is looking out for me?  The whole reason I did everything I have done already without a contract is because everyone wants to protect the IP’s.

I wonder sometimes if God is holding onto my cycle until He is happy with how both sides are being cared for.  I said it earlier I have never been this late.  My body is God’s.  I am excited that He cares for me that much.  I am also a very impatient person and I am struggling with the delay.

Please pray that we can get this contract done this week ,my cycle starts and we can get on the road to making this amazing God fearing couple mommy and daddy.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I am Yours.
Amen!

I had to say "No Match"

I feel terrible. I have been talking with a set of IP's since December 19, 2011. We started sharing more "personal" information in January; I gave them my personal and work email to make conversation easier. They asked about my insurance 1-11-12, the IM and I met 1-14-12.exchanged numbers... then I heard nothing from her until I reached out a week later, 1-21-12. The IM sent me a message through a social network two days later, 1-23-12, to tell me they had met with another GS the day before, 1-22-12, and were going with her. Then on 2-2-12 she reached out to me to see if I would consider working with them again, the other GS failed the psyche. I said I would consider and we started "messaging" again. We met this past Saturday, IP's and my family, we agreed to move forward and she was to send me her email, as i had already given her both of mine in January. Yesterday I still had not heard from her so I told them I do not believe we are a match because I did not feel as though they were fully comfortable with me, they still had not shared their last name either. She of course has now sent me their last name in an attempt to ... and even their home address.
I just don't want them to go with me because they want a baby "no matter what". I want them to work with me because we are a "Match", and I do not feel as though we are. There are just too many questions. This isn't about the money for me. I want to be a GS because it is the right thing to do.
What would you do?

Dear Heavenly Father,
This journey is so hard for so many reasons.  You know the heartbreak better than I do.  You also know the plans you have made.  I want to do what is right in Your Will, not mine.  I find it so hard when so many hearts are breaking and so many arms are empty to not rush in.  I do not want to do this because it is what I want to do.  I want to do this becasue it is what you want me to do.  Be with those hurting.  Be with those helping.  Help us to find each other as you want us to. 
In Jesus' precious name
Amen.

An unsigned check and an unanswered email

Surrogacy comes with several costs

• Pride
• Modesty
• Hope
• Time
• Dreams
• Money

As a surrogate the first time I had no representation/ no protection from myself and my giving.  I did not remember what a pregnancy would cost.  I did not understand the cost of driving, food, cravings, change in "must haves", clothing for work and home.  The second journey I had an agency that believed in reimbursement instead of monthly allowance, I would rather have a monthly allowance.  So I collected receipts and submitted for reimbursement.  Some of the items allowed for reimbursement are:

• Mileage
• Parking
• Meds
• Vitamins
• Lost wages
• Meals when traveling
• Airfare
• Taxi Fare

My negative BETA was November 16, 2011 (sad heart), cycle started Sunday November 20,2011(Feeling Icky), Thanksgiving November 24, 2011, guests arrived that Tuesday November  22, 20110, IP's ended contract (that was their last embryo), my daughter passed out and fell, (face first), down the stairs(after getting the Turkey in the oven), our guests left Saturday November 26, 2011 and my husbands parents arrived Thursday December 1, 2011.  All this while working full-time.
December 7, 2011 I got an email from the agency to get my receipts in.  Got them in two days later, but found out the escrow account had already been closed by the parents, before I was asked to get in my receipts. I was told I would get the money, the agency offered to contact the Intended Parents.  This isn't a lot of money comparatively to how much a pregnancy would cost, they had already paid flight, hotel and rental car, but still a $$$ amount.
I did get the $$$, I received a kind Christmas card and an "unsigned" check.  I wrote an email after praying hard on how to approach the subject.  I had already failed at getting pregnant. I had submitted my expenses after the escrow was closed.  I have not heard back from the IP's. An "unanswered" email.  
I do not know what to do.  I am letting it go.  There is no one to blame.  I trust these IP's.  I just feel as though I need to be honest with my journeys.  This stuff happens.
In the area of Surrogacy we are dealing with human beings.  Emotional, Living ,Breathing, Dreaming, Flawed, Perfect, Hurting, Giving, Desperate, Grieving, Empty, Questioning
This is a journey I want to be on.