Feelings????

I got my newest packet of paperwork today, Everything seems to be moving in double time now. January 2016 seems so far away, one simple phone call and here we are. I am less than a week away from Pre-Op and just one day over three weeks away from surgery.

Pre-Op starts at 7:30 am. This wouldn't be a big deal if not for the fact that I am working the night before until almost 9 pm and then driving 3.5 hours to Nashville. My day will consist of blood work, EKG, Donor Education and a meeting with the surgeon. This will be followed with a phone call two days later at exactly 10:35 am, I have been told.  If all is well I then report for surgery no later than 5:30 am on the 3rd of November.

I am still trying to find feelings more than, "This Is What I Am Supposed To Do". The gentleman and his wife are very grateful and I believe they are wanting to make some sort of connection. I have no real reason to not. I have many "excuses" ; I started a new job, I work nights and weekends, my husband works a lot and opposite shifts to mine so my free time I would rather spend with him, I have house stuff to do when not at work, ... I don't know what to feel and I am certain there is no one way to feel about what we are doing. I am not expecting anything so maybe that is why I am not looking???

Having done three surrogate journeys and becoming so emotionally attached to the couples and their stories and then once the baby is born the relationships go cold it makes me hesitant. I do not need people to get close to me because I am doing something for them only to no longer be important to them when I am no longer needed because the "journey" is done.

I still have types of connections with two of the couples but it is nothing compared to what it was while working on having their babies. I wasn't really looking for connections then, but the intended parents's were in everything I did, ate, went, weighed, peed, pumped (for almost a year). I couldn't do anything without thinking of them and them wanting to know everything about it. I was with them through some of their fears and tears from previous loss so I was emotionally invested, it would take a frozen heart to not feel for these families. Then when the babies were born it was almost as though I never was a part of their lives, except for the milk I provided for a while ... then nothing. The babies were whisked away, while I was still getting stitched up, and I did not see them for days, weeks or months and then years. I did get a few photos of the first baby and frequent photos of the second baby and videos of "firsts" for a while and that was amazing, but life gets busy and I am no longer ... Family??

Is it all on me? I did not want to invade on their special time as a family. I waited for them to reach out to me, so I knew it was okay to be talking to them. I never knew if it was okay. I did go back to work six days after my c-sections, I did not have the luxury of time off and my bosses were "NOT the best". I still had a family, job and church stuff. And again I didn't go into surrogacy to get friends I went into it to help people.

Then there is my own family and being who I am and where I do/don't fit in also makes it difficult to know how to go about being a part of others' lives. To have families that I am a "blood related" part of but to not be an emotional part of. To be a part of a team but not be as valued as the others or even as much as those not a part of the team. To be told ... To be forgotten... To be looked over... To be alone in a group of "family".

I must say that the relationship with the first mom is getting stronger and I have been truly blessed because of this. I like having a friend. This friendship has nothing to do with surrogacy or what happened. It is just nice having a friend!

So I guess that is it. I am not going into this to make friends I am just doing it to help people. I am doing what I have been led to do. I pray "my body to Your service" and this is it. My service; wife, mom, volunteer, surrogacy and now living kidney donor.

The Voice of GOD

I have mentioned hearing the Voice of God before. I have questioned if I am hearing Him correctly, am I worthy of the call, was I imagining it all, and the biggest question... "Am I CRAZY?"

I cannot do this experience justice.  There are no words that can explain hearing and knowing the Voice of GOD. There are so many emotions, too many for words. Words are too small, colors too plain and pale, songs too simple to describe GOD's Greatness. I have done my best to put into words just one of the times I have heard His Voice.

Yesterday I woke up and started getting ready for church and the drive to Atlanta that was to follow.  My husband had asked me a couple of times if me and the kids were going to an early service before we headed out on the trip. He had to work 7:30 am to 8:30 pm so he was unable to go with us and all of us had been working the past couple of Sundays so this would be the first time the kids and I could go together. I sat on my bed trying to figure out which church and which service, we have been attending one local church more than another but we were looking for a closer one to home to become active members of. My heart was unsettled about both churches and then I heard His Voice. God encouraged me to go to church in GA, Grace Fellowship in Snellville, we had attended there several times before we moved and always walked away fed and refreshed. We had a hard time connecting to the other members but always learned more of God's Word when we went. (Side note, this is where the first surrogate baby and her family attend.)

So I looked up the times of their services and as long as we left early enough we would be able to pick up head shots (in wrong direction), kiss David "see you later" (in wrong direction), make the usual "trip stop" at a coffee shop, get to Atlanta, find something to eat, book a hotel for the night and drive past the location that my son had an appointment at Monday morning before making it to the 5:15 pm service.

I shared this idea with my husband and he thought it was a great idea.  I was talking to him on the phone and when I mentioned going to Grace the kids got right up and started getting ready to go, mostly a rare occurrence (getting right up).

We got in the car, did our local errands and headed south. We got to Atlanta, drove by the appointment location, got food, booked the hotel and walked in to Grace Fellowship for the evening service.

While sitting there waiting for it to start there It was again, the Voice of GOD. HE told me to ask someone to pray with me before I leave,  I tried to talk myself into believing His Voice wasn't real this time. I tried to tell myself it was my anxiousness from the trip, the appointment the following day, the kidney donation, my new job, some emotions I have been struggling with... It had to be anything but His Voice. So I distracted myself with a quick call to the hotel to confirm our reservation, I told myself that the staff would be way to busy and I was just being needy and emotional. But, He told me again to have someone pray with me before I leave the building.  And as the service started it became apparent that I had heard Him, GOD, correctly. The service that evening was a worship, communion and prayer service. There it was, He had it all planned out. Not only was the staff not too busy but He, GOD, had arranged a service just for the purpose of praying for His people. I turned and looked at the kids and told them I was going to go for prayer when the time came.

When the time for prayer came I immediately got up out of my seat and row and starting walking toward the prayer team members waiting.  As I walked I asked GOD who I was to go to for prayer. I knew that if He brought me all the way to Grace Fellowship, in GA from TN, to be prayed over He had someone/s specific set aside for me and this exact moment.  I walked past a couple of prayer team members and there they were, the people GOD had there to pray for me.  I walked up and told them I have a crazy story and a unique prayer request. I told them that I woke up that morning in Pigeon Forge, TN and when trying to figure out where to go to church that morning GOD told me to go to Grace Fellowship in Snellville, GA. I told them that GOD had told me to be prayed over before I left the building and that here He had even provided a prayer service for me. I then told them that I was seeking prayer over my upcoming test and board meeting for the kidney donation.  How blessed yet unworthy that GOD would choose me for two surrogacy journeys and now this. They prayed over me, asking, thanking, praising, encouraging. Then there it was... GOD's reassurance to me. One of them told me that they actually knew someone who had just completed the testing and was donating her kidney to a complete stranger 8-31-16(Jessica F. you rock!).   They had been praying over someone already for the exact same reasons.

I wish I could find the descriptors to use in telling this

His Voice is real. HE IS REAL. HE is Alive, in me. I am listening.



Here is another time I wrote about the Voice of GOD.
http://mommomish.blogspot.com/2009/08/did-he-dial-right-number.html

A Different Direction

WOW!

I don't know where to start. I know I have been gone a long time. I am slowing coming back. This blog will be a journey of finding me. A look back to where I am from and where I have been, two different places indeed but both make me who I am today.

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on April 30, 2013. 

He was born by c-section, at his parent's request. They had recently had a friend suffer the tragedy of losing a child during a VBAC. I understood their nervousness after trying for so long and having failed surrogacy journeys with other surrogates at different points on each different journey, before this one. But I will admit I was disappointed. The recovery was much longer than I had hoped or wanted.

I didn't get to witness the parents, no longer IP's, meeting their son, but my husband did. He filmed their meeting for me. I didn't get to witness the first surrogate baby meet her parents and I did not wan to miss the opportunity again.

So much happened during this journey. A lot was not surrogacy related, but still connected in a slight way. There were hurt feelings. Toes were stepped on. Boundaries were crossed. Sick family members. Job issues and loss. In the end I lost a lot. I lost a lot of myself and I am still slowly getting myself back.

I met him once a couple of months after he was born. I got to hold him for a few moments.  

His mommy and I still stay in touch. I get photos every now and then, I got more photos in the beginning. Life gets busy, especially the life of a mommy! 

The journey wasn't about getting to know him and be a part of his life. It was about helping a heart to heal and dreams to be realized. My relationship was with his mommy. And even though it was him I carried. she is who I miss the most.

I will write more about the surrogacy journey as reflections. I feel I can be more honest now that I am finding myself again.

I live such a BLESSED life. The opportunities I am given amaze me.  

The different direction...

Live kidney donation! I am in the late stages of testing and may soon be a donor to a local man. This journey is similar, in many ways a little more scary.  And I know I am here at this place in this moment to do "this".