To My Shame

When we heard of David's grandmother's passing we knew that there would be a decision to be made. We knew it would be difficult for David to make the decision, but we also knew what would be asked of him. I could not, and did not, ask him to stay. I wanted him to.

This pregnancy is challenging enough knowing that in the end there is no baby, having stangers so involved emotionally, physically, legally and in my most personal being. It is difficlut having people who have no idea personally what I am going through so invloved with what I am going through. Things are said and or done that just make me ask WHAT? To have the one person who is in this for me to be gone made it unbearable. To have no one that has MY best interest at heart near by was terrifying.

I know that David would never do anything to hurt me. I KNOW THIS! But being pregnant, and not being the "one picked" was devesatating. I am certain it was my selfishness that caused these feelings, I would like to blame the exhaustiona and hormones for some of it though. It hurt that my best/only friend would leave me when he knows what I am going through and had to hold me in the shower while I balwed earlier in the week because of true mental and physical exhaustion. It hurt that his family would ask him to leave me.

David called VERY often. We spent hours on the phone, but every minute reminded me that he wasn't able to be here with me. Hearing his family in the background excited and having fun, sometimes shouting "we love you" only reminded me that they asked him to leave me alone. That their needs were greater than mine. Not once did anyone say thank you for covering for David at work, while doing your own job too, or not asking him to not go, for not makeing a big deal of him leaving, or we are sorry we asked David to leave you, or anything reassureing.

I am still struggling with the fact that it was ok with everyone to leave me alone. That ... That it was no big deal. Her cervix is closed so it is ok. I wish it was ok. I wish I was ok. I wish that I could take back all the tears and frustration I have shared with David. I wish I could take it all back. I wish that I was not putting him through this. I wish I was stonger. I wish...

Playing Catch up

Well A LOT has happened since my last post.

• Our 17th Anniversary
• Trip to FL to celebrate
• Mother's Day, performance at brunch
• Abi's 14 Birthday
• My Birthday #42
• Memorial Day weekend
• Vacation Bible School
• David's Grandmothers death, his trip with kids to the funeral

Our anniversary celebration was great. We took the kids to Florida and a quick trip to Disney, while I am still physically able in this pregnancy. We spent a day at the resort and a day at Epcot. I got a henna tattoo, ate lots of good food, the boys got to ride their favorites and Abi got to ride one of hers. The weather was perfect and the lines not too long. David is so sweet and giving, he made sure everyone had a GREAT time.

Abi got a netbook for her birthday and a movie. Sometimes it still does not seem as though she is happy.

Mother's Day was great Abi and I performed a skit for the women's brunch and I came home to beautiful flowers planted in my flower bed. David went above and beyond and followed up with a card, gift card and food.

My birthday I had want for nothing and David still got me a shirt as a gift.

Memorial day I think we rested. There has been so much going on it is hard to keep straight. We may have gone to a movie??? I know it was great either way.

Vacation Bible School is always much hard work and a great time. This year proved to be a little more challenging with me being 37 weeks pregnant and David loosing his grandmother. For these past two years I have lead the music team and the Bible story area. The music is the easy part, even dancing at 37 weeks pregnant. The Bible story part is what wears me out every year. It is so important to me that the kids get the story and KNOW why it is that we are there that it can be overwhelming at times. I am known to take the lessons that they give me and change them up a little by adding drama. This year David needed to be gone the last three days of VBS Thursday, Friday and them Sunday's celebration. He is such a huge part of me I felt lost and exhausted just by his absence.

The death of his grandmother challenged me in many more ways than expected. I had been struggling physically already that week with exhaustion, and to face the idea that David was leaving me alone so close the the end of this pregnancy when I physically and emotionally had so much going on truly pushed me beyond my limits. (That will be a post all its own.)

I must say I made it, but I am still trying to recover. I still battle with emotions, whether right or wrong, daily, and to my shame I take the worst of it out on my precious husband.