Thanksgiving

It has been a while because I realy have not had anything happening lately. Well, anything on the surrogacy journey.

Thanksgiving has come and gone. What a trip that was. We went to Iowa to visit my parents near Marshalltown. It is a long drive from here, a little over 15 hours. We left after work Tuesday and got there around 10:30am Wednesday. We had to work in the car and at my mother's home answering forwarded calls the first day, becasue we did not have Wednesday off. We made oyster stew Thursday, a ham for lunch Friday, lasagne for supper, and lots of snacking on Saturday. We watched THE parade,and some movies, made crafts, and cleaned a little.

My mother lives in a minimal "assisted" living apartment. She has a homehealth aid that visits every day more or less and a nurse that checks in on her every Monday to get her meds ready for the week, and an apartment manager that is supposed to take care of her maintenance needs.

My mother has many health chalenges, one kidney, pacemaker (several heart attacks), gout, osteoperousis, clotting blood issues, no rotar cuff in either sholder, the list could go on. She is on several meds that the nurse puts in a machine that allows her to have the correct ones at the correct time. All but he pain meds for her sholders, those she is allowed up to one every four hours. And on this note, she had mentioned a couple of times that this apartment manager asked for "a couple" every now and then until she gets her prescription filled.

God's timeing is PERFECT...

Within the first 30, thirty, minutes of being at her home, I found her "manager" to be stealing several of my mom's pain meds. Not "borrowing" a couple. I found this to be certain when I counted the pills in the botttle of the "NEW" (11-23-10) prescription that she had just brought to my mother and there were 30 pills missing before my mother even got the bottle. This is a woman hired and paid to take care of the elderly at this apatment complex. I talked to my sister the following day and told her my findings and her reply was " we were wondering how/why she was running out of those meds so quickly/often". She told me to talk to her health-aid. I got the same response from her with a "we thougth she had been taking too many". IF this is the case why hadn't anyone looked into it? Why did no one lock them up? Ration them? Call the police?

When I called the police after the holiday, they asked me the same questions.

By the time I left more than 50 pills had gone missing in four days, we had been out of the apartment one day all day, the manager has a key. If my mom had taken that many pills, if she could physically take them without falling asleep, she would be dead.

I am so frustrated... if they thought my mom was causing harm to herself WHY did they not look into it? Why did they just ask, hhhmmm, I wonder how that is happening?

Her pain meds are now in a "lock-box" but she still has a key that she could hand to anyone asking for a "FAVOR". I want this "woman" FIRED. She not only works at the apartment complex that my mother lives in, but several others, for both the elderly and mentally challenged. Who is looking out for those people?

It is a "Tough" place to be when someone I love needs me, and I am so far away. I have called the people that may be able to help. I have let her health-aid, nurse, and my sister, know what is going on. I PRAY that God will take care of it just like He does every other need.

Pray for those who are defensless, that someone is able to be in the right place at the right time to help.

FUEL Everything Drama

I did it

I just faxed an application (24 pages) to an agency for surrogacy.  I am so excited, scared, impatient,...

Please pray.  I am praying that it isn't about me, but about what God wants.  That He directs this journey as much, or more that He directed the last.  

My mind is spinning so fast I do not know what to write.  I will try to get it together and write a BLOG with more meaning.

I am so excited.  I can't wait to see what God will have me do next!!!!! 

Prayers appreciated!

Intercession

Is there someone in your life that has not met The Savior? 

Friday night our family went to an "O2" service at 12 Stone church, http://www.12stone.com/.  This service was about approaching God either to confess or to intercede.  I went to the intercession room. 

I have struggled with the state of my dad's relationship with God.  He has told me, on more than one occasion, that he is going to hell and he is ok with that.  I am not ok with that.  I spend time praying, I have written him letters trying to explain the importance.  I have always tried to live my life as an example, he has never been able to understand that not all Christians are the same.  Me, as his daughter, he couldn't believe in.  He always believed I had ulterior motives.  Dad and his wife Vera's house burnt down several years ago (pre Me).  They went to the church in town and were turned away.  They went to church in the only clothes they had and were ridiculed. 

I begged, I wept, I thought ... "what if I could give him my salvation?"  I can't give him my salvation.  It is mine, but not mine to give.  I love my dad.  God loves him more, He does offer him salvation.  It is up to my dad to take it from the Father. 


Hebrews 7:25 NAS



Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them.
 
in·ter·ces·sion 
[in-ter-sesh-uhn] Show IPA
–noun


1. an act or instance of interceding.


2. an interposing or pleading on behalf of another person.


3. a prayer to god on behalf of another.


4. Roman History . the interposing of a veto, as by a tribune
 
Christian intercession might be defined as love on its knees in prayer for others . It is pleading to Father God on behalf of the needs of someone else. Another way of looking at intercession is that you are standing in the gap for someone else. That is, you are identifying with the sins of those you are in prayer for, asking God's forgiveness and mercy on their behalf.
Intercession can be one of the most exciting, inspiring, creative and rewarding experiences in your Christian life. In your prayer closet, you can pray around the world. Although intercessors are not often publicly rewarded or recognized for their service, they are a vital part of any growing church or ministry. Their faithful dedication to intercession creates a foundation that allows the Lord to work in mighty ways.
http://psalm121.ca/interce2.html

Verses of the week...

Favorites I have read this week so far:

Isaiah 26:4 Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.

Psalm 139:7-10 Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.

Matthew 10:32 Whoever publicly acknowledges Me I will also acknowledge before My Father in heaven.

I believe those words alone are a great BLOG entry.  God's words are full of so much more promise than I as His child could ever pen.
 
Romans 12:11 Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord

I have no better purpose than to serve the Lord. 

Me a model?

As we get further in to this current area of study in our girls' high school Bible study, "Developing the Heart of a Princess" I am finding answers and challenges. I love hearing how the girls are being challenged and finding answers also. How we all need to have God as our "One True Love". I am excited about relationship with God ,His Son, my Guidance Counselor (the Holy Spirit) and the girls getting deeper and more intense.

Last night we went over better ways to fill our "single" time. There are several ministries that we all can be a part of.

• Listening
• Writing
• Encouraging
• Serving
• Hospitality
• Praying
• Teaching

I have also been using the study "more beautiful you" by Jonny Diaz along with "Young Lady in Waiting". Last night the topic I pulled out of "more ..." was on becoming a Model. It starts by asking us if we have ever wondered why the King of the universe sent His Son to rescue us and then left us here, instead of taking us home with Him. The reason they gave : "well, it's because God has a very important job for us to do. He wants us to help Him rescue as many people as possible - people who otherwise would not have a clue there is King who loves them and a Prince who was willing to die for them." Matthew 28:18,19 The ministries listed above are just a few ways to fulfill this "job". Which one is your ministry?

God has not left us here with a big task with no way to accomplish it. There are several passages in His word that confirms this. Psalm 103:4-5, is just one of the passages I like this one because it goes along with our study of being Princesses "daughters of the King" it mentions the crowns that God has given us. Crowns of love and compassion. If we put them on and wear our crowns they set us apart and will show us to be daughters of the King. These crowns give a desire to minister to others, to share the Good News. Not only does He give us crowns and the talents we need, but strength to carry on and as verse five states "He satisfies our(your) desires with good things". He takes care of our desires with good things, not with what we want necessarily, but good things that we need.

Psalm 103:4-5 (New International Version)
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, 5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

Lord, Help me to wear the crown You have given me. Help me to wear Love and Compassion every where I go, into every situation You place me in. Help me to look to Your Word and to Your people when I need reassurance. I believe Your Word where it tells me "He satisfies our desires with good things so that our youth (strength) is renewed like the eagle's" Psalm 103:5 I want to be set apart Lord. Thank you for forgiving me, for purchasing me with Your Son's sacrifice, for adopting me, for blessing me, for loving me. In Jesus' name, Amen

November 2, 2010

I voted!

Have you?

Lord make me Beautiful.

Lord,

I waste so much time trying to make myself beautiful to others. I want my character to reflect Your beauty. Deliver me from trying to fashion who I am based on the world's standards. Let me look to You to be my mirror, my master makeup artist. Line my lips with words of life and make up my eyes with compassion. Cover my imperfections with your grace and my insecurities with security in You. Who can embellish me better than You? No one can make me more attractive to others than Your spirit can within me. I praise You for creating me in Your image and for continuing to re-create me to be more like You. Every day I seek You, I'm asking You for a complete spiritual makeover...so when people look at me they see Your beauty, Your love, and Your irresistible gift of salvation.

In Jesus' name I pray.

Love,
Your princess, who longs to reflect Your beauty.
(from His princess prayers to my King)

Things Change...Yet Stay The Same

Well, insurance has approved previously mentioned procedure but the Dr will not do it without a Mammogram. That all being said, Wednesday I had got the call that the insurance had approved my surgery without the mammogram, the office scheduled a date for surgery. So, I spent the weekend dreaming of going dress shopping. (I find much frustration in shopping for clothes like most women. If only it were because I do not like the size on the tag.)

Today they called to say the Dr will not move forward without the mammogram. It was a great dream while it lasted.

I am sure my husband would be OK with a payment plan. But how selfish would that be spending $?000.00(my deductible) plus dollars on this (it is a $?000.00 plus surgery) . If I could have gotten it in this year my deductible is paid so it would have just cost prescriptions.

So, enough of that! On to new dreams!

Denied

Being a woman the only appointment I dread more than a yearly pap is a mammogram. AAHHH! It took me forever to get myself mentally prepared. It is humiliating having someone touch certain body parts and allow them to squish said body part between two very hard pressure driven pieces of plastic. One year I could not breath for two days following this type of appointment.

I was resolved. It has been two years since my last mammogram. Last year I was pregnant or getting pregnant so I had other screenings to go through. I made the call, asked the questions, gave the facts, (I just had a baby in July, I pumped until August, is it too soon???). I was given the "go-head" given an appointment. Then, today when I got there I was told I need to wait six months after stopping pumping. AAAHHH!! Now I have to go though the process all over again.

The most frustrating part being is that there is a procedure that I want to get done and without a mammogram I can't get my insurance to approve it. I wanted to have it done soon so that it would go under this year's detectible. My deductible is paid in full with the cost of the baby. I did not get paid to do the surrogacy so this is the only way I can afford it is to have my deductible already paid. Oh well...

I know that God designed me. I know that He finds me perfect and beautiful. I know that I am His.

One Year Ago Today

I do not know how I feel today. I think it is sad. It could be anxious. Maybe lost.

One year ago today we had our Frozen Embryo Transfer. I loved being pregnant. I loved the excitement of wondering where God was going to take this journey.

Yesterday a sweet woman asked me if I would consider being a TS for her. I wish I could. I know I can't. A TS uses her egg, carries it for months and then gives it up for adoption to other parents. I am a very selfish person. I cannot imagine giving a child that God had given to me away. I know she is hurting, has empty arms, I want to help. I asked her to not give up on me, that I want to be here for her, that I will be praying. I also asked her to look at snowflake babies.
http://www.nightlight.org/adoption-services/snowflakes-embryo/
I have not heard back from her. My heart hurts, I am worried that maybe I have been the cause of "another" hurt. All I want to be is help and support.

October is "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month". The Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness week is this week. The official day to recognize babies is October 15th. On the day everyone all over the world is asked to light a candle at 7pm to remember all the babies lost in pregnancy and infancy.

Please pray for those that are hurting and those on journeys to help fill empty arms. This is not easy for anyone involved. We all need prayers and support.

On a side note: Breast cancer awareness... Get your squished. I am getting mine today!

Which Crown is yours?

I found this study yesterday in my preparation for giving out the tiaras to the group last night.

Five Crowns in the Bible for Believers www.g-m-a-g.com/messgae5.htm

1. The incorruptible crown: 1 Cor. 9:24,25
This crown is given to believers who faithfully run the race, who crucify every selfish desire in the flesh and point men to Jesus.

2. The crown of rejoicing: 1 Thess. 2:19, 20 & Dan. 12:3
To those who faithfully are witnesses to saving grace of God and leads souls to Jesus.

3. The crown of life: James 1:12
This crown is for believers who endure trials, tribulations and severe suffering, even to death Rev. 2:8-11.

4. The crown of righteousness: 2 Tim. 4:8
This crown is given to those who have lived a good and righteous life for God while living down here on earth.

5. The crown of glory: 1 Pet. 5:1-4
This is the pastor's crown who faithfully feed the flock of God.

I do not know what crown I will wear. I hope that I as the elders mentioned in Rev.: 4:10,11 that I "cast it before the throne, saying: You are worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: For You created all things, and by Your will they exist and were created."

Daughters of the KING

We are starting a new Bible study in High School Girl's small group.

These girls I get to spend time with once or twice a week mean so much to me. All I want for them to know is that they mean so much more to God. That He gave His Son to die so that they can be called His daughters. I know that they are faced with so many challenges today and tomorrow and have fought many battles yesterday and before. I hope to help them understand that they are worth God's sacrifice. I want them to understand that being a daughter of the King though does require dedication on their part. We must, they must, represent Him.

I hope that as we go through the two books/studies I have found that we together find out what it means to be a daughter of the King, one destined to live in His kingdom. How should we act, speak, dress, care for others, ... We owe Him everything, yet He asks for nothing but us, our lives. He gives us everything and more, and we deserve none of it.

I will let you know how the study goes.

But today, I desire you to know that you are sons and daughters of the King, THE KING! Not by what you have done but by what He has.

That you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.

Philippians 2:15 ESV

Who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor the will of man, but of God.

John 1:13 ESV

But to all who did receive Him, who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God,

John 1:12 ESV

But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. Galatians 4:4-5 ESV

What Next?

I still am looking for that next "job".

I so want to help others.

My husband has offered to let me be a "stay at home mom". I would like to go back to school to become a sign language interpreter. I am still thinking on all that before I quit my "day" job.

I keep watching those struggling with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. I would love to be a surrogate again. I know my age and the fact that I had a c-section is against me. I just saw a video today from a mom who lost a pregnancy at 13 weeks. A friend on facebook has this as her status "This week we remember all babies born sleeping, or those we've carried but never met, those we have held but could not take home, or those that we have brought home, but didn't stay. Make this your profile status if you, or someone you love, has suffered the loss ...of a child. The majority won't do it because unlike cancer, the loss of a baby is still a taboo subject. Break the silence!♥" I know the heartbreak is out there. I want to do more than just put this in my status.

One year ago today I was getting ready for a FET. This past weekend my "baby" boy went on his first official "NOT" date to homecoming. He is so perfect and the adventures we get to live with him are amazing gifts from God. I want to help other parents get the same opportunities.

Pray for me as I look for the opportunity God has waiting for me. Pray for those struggling with loss or infertility. My Bible verse of the day, the other day, was "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.Colossians 3:12-14"

• Compassion
• Kindness
• Humility
• Gentleness
• Patience
• Forgiveness
• Love (the glue that holds it together)

Heavenly Father, give me these qualities. Help me to develop them and use them. Help me to love those around me and those far away. Help me to find the work you have set before me and the courage and strength to finish it. God bless me as only you can. In Jesus' name. Amen

Today

I am writing just to keep up the habit of putting my thoughts down. Life is so busy, sometimes we forget what we are here for.

• Orchestra Orientation last night
• Max has two leads in two different theater productions, one a competition
• Fuel church service tonight, several rehearsals this past month
• David has resigned his worship ministry job
• David has been promoted at work
• Homecoming is coming
• High school Bible study started

Scattered thoughts hopefully I will have more next time.

Continue to pray for the baby and her family. She is growing big and strong. Continue to pray for me as I look for that next journey of service.

8 weeks

Well it has been eight weeks today since the IP's got to hold their baby for the first time.

Our lives are getting back to "normal". We continue to serve at church and work full time. Our children have been back to school for four weeks and we have gone on and returned from a family vacation.

We went on the longest family vacation we have ever gone on. We went back to Disney and the "land of make believe". We did make a one day trip to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure to visit where David used to work and the new "Wizarding World of Harry Potter". We had a great time, much needed just the four of us time. We had been on trips this past year, but we always had the IP's and their family with us because we were carrying their child. This trip was just us. We rode rides, ate lots, swam and sweat. It was GREAT! We were able to spend some time with church family down there also, I wish we could have met with more, but family bonding was very necessary this trip.

I am uncertain how I am feeling emotionally right now. I feel great, but different. I actually miss being pregnant. Having a body created by God to have children, when I am pregnant I feel whole, complete, perfect, beautiful... I am pumping, originally I was donating to the baby. now to end the supply I pump and dump for comfort until the milk is gone. I need to get back to exercising. I am soft and squishy were a person should not be soft and squishy. I need to find where I am supposed to work next. I feel lost without that obvious God given job to do.

I continue to watch those that are trying and those suffering from loss on YouTube and wish I could help them all. God is and has been so GOOD to me I just wish I could do the same for others. I continue to PRAY for them. I reach out when I can.

Please pray for those hurting, for the next job God has for me and that His glory be shown.

One Month Old Today

WOW

One month old today!

I am so blessed to have been able to do this surrogacy. God is so GOOD! I am blessed everyday. Last night at our ladies small group got together for a monthly meeting. We studied God's love and how to make an invisible God visible through our acts of love. That is all I want to do, share God's love. Most days I am certain "my" attitude blocks what I want to be seen.

I love that the mother of this baby has God's story to share. I Iove to hear her stories of peoples' reaction to sharing it. It makes me cry tears of joy at how God is being seen. This was something that I struggled with. I did not want people to be looking at me. The attention made me uncomfortable. I liked it at times, but most times I wanted to be invisible and God be visible. He deserves all the praise and glory.

Please pray that His story continues to touch lives. That He is made visible.

Recovery

God is so GOOD!

My recovery has been an act of GOD.

I returned to work the Monday following surgery. Everybody, but my boss, told me it was too soon. As I stated in the beginning of this journey, work has not been supportive in any way.

I was amazed at how much walking hurt the first time, and the several times after that. But, I was more amazed at how quickly the pain stopped and my energy came back. The doctor let me go home Thursday. It was great to sleep in my own bed and snuggle with my husband again.

I started pumping at the hospital but found it much easier to do at home. I was able to give the intended parents a couple of weeks supply of milk to supplement the formula.

I find it hard to believe there are people that don't believe in God, when I look at the the all the different jobs my body can do.

Life quickly returned to the normal pace.

• kids
• work
• church

I would do this again and again. This journey is a BLESSING. I am so thankful to God that He LOVES me this much.

Praise GOD!

Please continue to pray for the parents and their beautiful baby.

41 Weeks 5 Days

Well July 12 was the day to check in to the hospital. We went a few hours early because I thought I was seeing signs of things progressing. Nothing was happening, but they kept me because it was only a matter of a couple of hours.

Being checked in early allowed me to start the medication earlier, by about 5 hours. That was definitely a BONUS. We started cytotec at 7pm and pitocin at 11pm-ish. The cramping started pretty mellow, but then moved onto very painful after the pitocin started. My first epidural was not a success. After two doses of additional meds they believed me that the first was not working properly. The second was FABULOUS. After 16 hours of labor and the baby's heart rate being elevated, her not dropping, and not being fully dilated, the Dr. decided that a C-section was the baby's best option.

I have not regrets that it ended up with surgery. I was hoping in a small way that it would go that way to begin with. This allows me to heal from surgery instead of delivery.

It amazed me how fast the nursing/medical staff moved. They gave 10 minutes for prep to get me into the OR. They rushed David and the kids out of the room and went to tell the intended parents what was going to happen.

I was in the OR very quickly and the Dr was there waiting for me, demanding/ordering what was to happen next. She was amazing. They went to get David and brought him in. I was already open when he got there. He did his best keeping me informed to what was happening , by way of reflection in the overhead lights. There were smells I won't label, lots of tugging and pulling, but NO pain. I just waited to hear that first cry and did allow myself to cry when I heard it.

July 13, 2010 11:44 AM 8lbs 4.3ozs. 19inches PERFECT

The staff was amazing they took pictures of the baby for me and David and then handed her to David and took more pictures of the three of us together. They gave us time to see, touch and talk to her. I got to tell her I loved her. They then took her to our children so they could see her and say good bye, before taking her to her parents.

I fell asleep and woke up in recovery with my sweet husband by my side. It was a God experience, so Blessed from beginning to end. I look forward to this journey progressing and the next one on this road.

41 Weeks

Today I am 41 weeks pregnant.

We had a Dr's appointment yesterday. No progress... really, unless 1/4 cm does count. We have scheduled a date for inducement, if the baby does not come on her own, for Monday, check in at 8pm. We had a BPP ultrasound also yesterday to check everything out. Everything is great! Good for baby, but that gives the Dr's permission to go until Monday to "encourage" her coming out. She is perfect, the tech called her a sweet baby. I must agree she is one of the best.

I am thinking I may hide in the balcony on Sunday, at church, to avoid all the questions that I do not have answers for and the suggestions I do not want.

• I do not know when she is coming, "When SHE is ready".
• If my body and the baby aren't ready nothing is going to make her come any earlier.

The mommy and all those giving advice are more that welcomed to do those things and see if it rushes her along though.

The only reason I have for wanting her to come "NOW" , or last week, is the recovery time I have before we go on vacation. The longer it takes her to come the less time I have to recuperate before our trip. I am tired, but that is the only thing that gets me down. I wake up tired. How is it that after sleeping I am still tired? I have enjoyed this journey. I am curious where it takes me next.

Please pray for the Intended Parents, Dr's, and the baby. I know the mommy is about crazy waiting. Please pray for me and my family as we head into labor and recovery of this. A lot has happened. A lot is still to happen.

40 Weeks 1 Day

Well, yesterday was the "Due Date" and our 40 week checkup.

A lot has happened since 9:00 AM yesterday, but none of it has anything to do with going into labor.

I am currently sitting at my desk at work, hoping that the Internet will continue to "at least" limp along as it has been all week.

Our Canadian office is closed today for Canada day and tomorrow for Brian Baker day. I was told by my boss that I could not "take" Friday off because he was going out of town and the whole company could not be shut down. So I could not use my Brian Baker day on Friday. So I thought that Friday NIGHT would be a good time to have this baby, MAYBE???, because then I could use my Brian Baker day on Tuesday for recovery. Well he just called to inform me that he is actually on his way out of town right now, Thursday, and isn't planning on being in on Tuesday either. AAAHHH!

Not that I could begin to plan when this baby is coming, it was good to think that maybe that was/could be God's timing since it could have been a four day weekend. A faint light at the end of the tunnel???

Another "thing" that happened since the appointment was the posting of my cervix status on the Intended Mother's facebook page. I do not know about you, but I find that something as private as my medical information, and this information being of a very intimate part of me to be way across "THE LINE". This is information I don't even share with my mother. So many thoughts and emotions come from this. I would not have minded "as much" had she not posted my name, but she has been posting my name all over which is clearly against the contract that her personal lawyer wrote up and she herself signed. My privacy has been disregarded throughout this entire process and now for my personal medical stats to be listed was the limit. I finally had to say "please do not post my name, that is a very intimate and medical fact that I do not need 180 + people to know about me". I do not think it ended well. She left the church function before I had a chance to say good-bye. But, the status in gone. Whatever damage would be done is done.

On a side note... We (I) ran into another contract issue last week. I found that a correction I was told had been made was in fact not submitted to the courts and as the contract stands I had no legal rights to make my own medical decisions. The lawyers have assured me that the way they are "fixing" it will work, but that is not the point. I brought this to their attention a month before the court/judge signed off on it. Before I signed it they showed me in writing were it had been corrected, and then it still went to the courts wrong???

I know that God sees the entire picture. He knows how this baby is going to change the world. He knows when she is coming and how. He knows how I will survive this. I am so glad He knows. There is just this part of me that wishes I had an idea of how.

To My Shame

When we heard of David's grandmother's passing we knew that there would be a decision to be made. We knew it would be difficult for David to make the decision, but we also knew what would be asked of him. I could not, and did not, ask him to stay. I wanted him to.

This pregnancy is challenging enough knowing that in the end there is no baby, having stangers so involved emotionally, physically, legally and in my most personal being. It is difficlut having people who have no idea personally what I am going through so invloved with what I am going through. Things are said and or done that just make me ask WHAT? To have the one person who is in this for me to be gone made it unbearable. To have no one that has MY best interest at heart near by was terrifying.

I know that David would never do anything to hurt me. I KNOW THIS! But being pregnant, and not being the "one picked" was devesatating. I am certain it was my selfishness that caused these feelings, I would like to blame the exhaustiona and hormones for some of it though. It hurt that my best/only friend would leave me when he knows what I am going through and had to hold me in the shower while I balwed earlier in the week because of true mental and physical exhaustion. It hurt that his family would ask him to leave me.

David called VERY often. We spent hours on the phone, but every minute reminded me that he wasn't able to be here with me. Hearing his family in the background excited and having fun, sometimes shouting "we love you" only reminded me that they asked him to leave me alone. That their needs were greater than mine. Not once did anyone say thank you for covering for David at work, while doing your own job too, or not asking him to not go, for not makeing a big deal of him leaving, or we are sorry we asked David to leave you, or anything reassureing.

I am still struggling with the fact that it was ok with everyone to leave me alone. That ... That it was no big deal. Her cervix is closed so it is ok. I wish it was ok. I wish I was ok. I wish that I could take back all the tears and frustration I have shared with David. I wish I could take it all back. I wish that I was not putting him through this. I wish I was stonger. I wish...

Playing Catch up

Well A LOT has happened since my last post.

• Our 17th Anniversary
• Trip to FL to celebrate
• Mother's Day, performance at brunch
• Abi's 14 Birthday
• My Birthday #42
• Memorial Day weekend
• Vacation Bible School
• David's Grandmothers death, his trip with kids to the funeral

Our anniversary celebration was great. We took the kids to Florida and a quick trip to Disney, while I am still physically able in this pregnancy. We spent a day at the resort and a day at Epcot. I got a henna tattoo, ate lots of good food, the boys got to ride their favorites and Abi got to ride one of hers. The weather was perfect and the lines not too long. David is so sweet and giving, he made sure everyone had a GREAT time.

Abi got a netbook for her birthday and a movie. Sometimes it still does not seem as though she is happy.

Mother's Day was great Abi and I performed a skit for the women's brunch and I came home to beautiful flowers planted in my flower bed. David went above and beyond and followed up with a card, gift card and food.

My birthday I had want for nothing and David still got me a shirt as a gift.

Memorial day I think we rested. There has been so much going on it is hard to keep straight. We may have gone to a movie??? I know it was great either way.

Vacation Bible School is always much hard work and a great time. This year proved to be a little more challenging with me being 37 weeks pregnant and David loosing his grandmother. For these past two years I have lead the music team and the Bible story area. The music is the easy part, even dancing at 37 weeks pregnant. The Bible story part is what wears me out every year. It is so important to me that the kids get the story and KNOW why it is that we are there that it can be overwhelming at times. I am known to take the lessons that they give me and change them up a little by adding drama. This year David needed to be gone the last three days of VBS Thursday, Friday and them Sunday's celebration. He is such a huge part of me I felt lost and exhausted just by his absence.

The death of his grandmother challenged me in many more ways than expected. I had been struggling physically already that week with exhaustion, and to face the idea that David was leaving me alone so close the the end of this pregnancy when I physically and emotionally had so much going on truly pushed me beyond my limits. (That will be a post all its own.)

I must say I made it, but I am still trying to recover. I still battle with emotions, whether right or wrong, daily, and to my shame I take the worst of it out on my precious husband.

Long Time

Wow it has been a long time since I have put my feelings down. We at the Swangel household have been SO busy, and the pregnancy is going fine there really hasn't been much to post.

I went to the Dr today for a two week check up. Everything is going great. I have gained a total of 13 pounds, my blood pressure was 100/66, I am measuring perfect and the baby's heartbeat sounds GREAT.

It has been difficult emotionally lately. We have been so busy that I was exhausted. It is hard to feel confident when all you feel is tired and "used". My weight gain wasn't bothering me, but my husband's business was. I was taking his lack of time personally. He is great and supportive, but I had reached that point of neediness and there was no time for that . It has settled down and I now feel much more like myself again.

I got to spend some time with a friend who is 3 weeks and 6 days ahead of me in her pregnancy. It was nice to be pregnant and it not be about the intended mother expecting. I just need some of the attention to be about me. I know, very selfish!

It is odd to feel the baby move and want to share it, but for different reasons. I love the reassurance God gives me with the baby's movement. I am uncertain how I feel about the upcoming delivery and separation. The contract is so cold and impersonal. The hospital may not let me have MY babies with me, so here I could be with empty belly and empty arms.

I continue to pray for the ability to let go of myself and let GOD. Please pray for this amazing child keeping me company on this journey.

A Heathly Baby Girl. 19 weeks

PRAISE GOD!

Symptoms

I really do enjoy being pregnant. Even with the side-effects that come along.

• Morning sickness
• Heartburn
• Tired
• Hungry
• Achy legs
• LEG CRAMPS

Morning sickness didn't last too long, but what I had was intense Evening sickness, more than I had with either of my children. I blame all the hormones that helped the baby "stick". Every time the meds were changed I got sick for a few days.

Heartburn is new to me but as long as I eat ALL THE TIME I don't have issues.

Tired??? What wife/mother that works 45 hours a week and volunteers at church on the weekend isn't tired?

Hungry this one is a mystery, how can I be hungry SO often?

Achy legs no big deal.

But last night was the beginning of the leg cramps, LEG CRAMPS. Those wake you up in the middle of a sound sleep trying not to scream. Last night I remember waking up saying OW OW OW. My dearest husband had no idea what was going on. I rolled over and "woke"him up pleading "Please help me!" My leg was cramped so tight I couldn't flex it to get it to release. He helped flex my ankle, rubbed my calf and then went back to snoring. this morning when I apologized for waking him up he said,"you woke me up?"

I am so BLESSED by God and what HE is doing in my life through this.

I am struggling with some issues that aren't going as I hoped they would. I am surprised at the loss of myself when the mother is involved. Because I see her every Sunday, Wednesday and appointment, I don't really have anyone to just be pregnant with.

The diagnostic level 2 ultrasound is Tuesday, she, her husband and her step-son will be there. I told her the 13 year old could come as long as I did not need to remove clothing, she offered to bring a blanket. I asked her if she would want my son in the room with her if she was naked. She said no, but... I told her if I have to, which more than likely will not happen, I do not want him in the room. I don't think she cares.

Dear Heavenly Father, Please help me to be what you want me to be through this. Comfort me when I feel as though I am being lost. Help me to be Loving. Help me to be joyful in what You are doing through this. Help me to be Your light and focused on You so that You are glorified. Amen.

What makes this service different?

December was a very busy month for us.

• Living Nativity at church December 4,5,11 and 12
• Abi's Christmas concert at school
• Adult Choir program December 20 am
• Children's and youth program December 20 pm
• Company Party December 18
• Trip to see family for New Year's
• Dr.'s Appointment December 28

I am so thankful for everyone's prayers and encouragement. It is different being pregnant this time. Not just because in the end I do not get the baby, but people's perceptions of what it is that I am doing. I talked to David about it on one of our many road trips.

Why is it that people see this act of service as so much more than all the others I do?

• Adult Choir
• Praise Team
• High School Girls' small group leader
• Serving youth Sunday evenings
• VBS Bible teacher
• VBS song leader

In this act of service God is THE ONE doing all the work. He is growing the baby, He is keeping us safe. I have been doing the praise team for three years almost every Sunday, adult choir for three years. I have been doing the High School small group for two years. I have worked VBS for three summers. Why don't people see those acts of service as important? I put more work and time into those than this pregnancy.

There is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy any easier or faster. Only God can make a difference in it.

Please do not get me wrong. I LOVE the attention! It is just kind of embarrassing some of the reactions I get. This act of service is not about what I am doing, but what God is doing through me.