Feelings????

I got my newest packet of paperwork today, Everything seems to be moving in double time now. January 2016 seems so far away, one simple phone call and here we are. I am less than a week away from Pre-Op and just one day over three weeks away from surgery.

Pre-Op starts at 7:30 am. This wouldn't be a big deal if not for the fact that I am working the night before until almost 9 pm and then driving 3.5 hours to Nashville. My day will consist of blood work, EKG, Donor Education and a meeting with the surgeon. This will be followed with a phone call two days later at exactly 10:35 am, I have been told.  If all is well I then report for surgery no later than 5:30 am on the 3rd of November.

I am still trying to find feelings more than, "This Is What I Am Supposed To Do". The gentleman and his wife are very grateful and I believe they are wanting to make some sort of connection. I have no real reason to not. I have many "excuses" ; I started a new job, I work nights and weekends, my husband works a lot and opposite shifts to mine so my free time I would rather spend with him, I have house stuff to do when not at work, ... I don't know what to feel and I am certain there is no one way to feel about what we are doing. I am not expecting anything so maybe that is why I am not looking???

Having done three surrogate journeys and becoming so emotionally attached to the couples and their stories and then once the baby is born the relationships go cold it makes me hesitant. I do not need people to get close to me because I am doing something for them only to no longer be important to them when I am no longer needed because the "journey" is done.

I still have types of connections with two of the couples but it is nothing compared to what it was while working on having their babies. I wasn't really looking for connections then, but the intended parents's were in everything I did, ate, went, weighed, peed, pumped (for almost a year). I couldn't do anything without thinking of them and them wanting to know everything about it. I was with them through some of their fears and tears from previous loss so I was emotionally invested, it would take a frozen heart to not feel for these families. Then when the babies were born it was almost as though I never was a part of their lives, except for the milk I provided for a while ... then nothing. The babies were whisked away, while I was still getting stitched up, and I did not see them for days, weeks or months and then years. I did get a few photos of the first baby and frequent photos of the second baby and videos of "firsts" for a while and that was amazing, but life gets busy and I am no longer ... Family??

Is it all on me? I did not want to invade on their special time as a family. I waited for them to reach out to me, so I knew it was okay to be talking to them. I never knew if it was okay. I did go back to work six days after my c-sections, I did not have the luxury of time off and my bosses were "NOT the best". I still had a family, job and church stuff. And again I didn't go into surrogacy to get friends I went into it to help people.

Then there is my own family and being who I am and where I do/don't fit in also makes it difficult to know how to go about being a part of others' lives. To have families that I am a "blood related" part of but to not be an emotional part of. To be a part of a team but not be as valued as the others or even as much as those not a part of the team. To be told ... To be forgotten... To be looked over... To be alone in a group of "family".

I must say that the relationship with the first mom is getting stronger and I have been truly blessed because of this. I like having a friend. This friendship has nothing to do with surrogacy or what happened. It is just nice having a friend!

So I guess that is it. I am not going into this to make friends I am just doing it to help people. I am doing what I have been led to do. I pray "my body to Your service" and this is it. My service; wife, mom, volunteer, surrogacy and now living kidney donor.

The Distractions and the DECISION

We spent last week at Disney World in Florida.  The kidney donation board met the Monday we were there and I was told to expect to be contacted early that week after the board voted,(while we were at Disney).

If you have been to Disney World you understand that it is a good distraction from most of what you might have going on in your life. Between fast passes and dinning we had no time to rest or think on things that consume time that should be better spent.

• We checked in Saturday spent the day at Animal Kingdom and began our affair with too much to eat, many photos being taken, and very sore feet.  
• Sunday we walked around Disney Springs; shopped, got family portraits taken, ate lunch and then headed back to the hotel to get ready for the Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party at the Magic Kingdom. More photos.
• Monday we had breakfast at Be Our Guest in the Magic Kingdom. THIS IS A MUST DO!!!!!!!!! We followed that by heading to EPCOT and eating our way around the world after riding the re-imagined Soaring. I found myself praying and thinking about the people who were so strongly dissecting my health and reasoning of why I want to donate a kidney. EPCOT did an amazing job of distracting me. I did buy myself a new crown, umbrella, incense, and my favorite perfume that I can only find there. The food was so good. We at at the Biergarten, another must do. We waddled home to our hotel with feet with pressure blisters and tummies too full. More photos.
• Tuesday I woke up knowing that I could be getting a call. We "slept" in and skipped our first fast pass of the day and headed to our Behind the Seeds tour at EPCOT(10:30 am so not too much sleeping). While waiting for the tour to begin, MY PHONE RANG WITH A KNOXVILLE NUMBER.  I answered and heard the words so many people have been praying I would hear, "you have been approved". I immediately started crying and then the tour guide showed up to start the tour. The nurse on the other end gave me a moment to compose myself and I quietly listened and replied as needed. We celebrated by again eating our way around the world at EPCOT. Then once again waddled back home to our hotel at the end of the evening. More photos. 
• I wanted to get a celebration button, I wanted to tell everyone what God was doing and allowing me to be a part of.
• Wednesday we headed back to the Magic Kingdom and did most of our favorites, it is hard to do it ALL. We finished our day with dinner at Chef Mickey's watching the fireworks over Cinderella's castle. It was easier to relax knowing that the decision had been made and I now know what direction this new journey is taking next. More photos.
• Thursday we spent the day at Hollywood Studios. We rode all the rides, We got more photos taken. And again we ate too much food,  This was also the day we had to take one of our party to the airport so he could start his journey home. It is always hard to be a family a part. It is especially hard now that our children are 20 and 22. I am always thinking this could be the last BIG trip together. I am also facing reality that this could be my last trip. I am having major surgery and giving a part of me away.  I know my life is at risk everyday, but this time I am putting an undue/unnatural risk on my life.

Friday we booked our next vacation and then checked out.  We drove all day into and through the night and got home near 2 AM Saturday. Saturday was busy with getting back to normal and Sunday back to work.

And here we are. Today. I have the pre-op and surgery scheduled but I am missing so many facts and I am waiting for the paperwork to catch up to me.  I will write a post when I have more information. I may post some vacation photos as a way to distract me yet again and help pass the time until I hear more.

Thank you everyone who is praying. My head is spinning because this is all moving so fast now but there is still some waiting. I hope to write in more detail as we move forward this is all hard to put in words sometimes and then I let too much time pass. But now the real journey begins.

Colonoscopy 8/14

Is there a need to say more? The prep is always awful; they starve you, they make you drink awful flavored "beverage", and you spend hours sitting on the toilet.

The Dr. found one polyp and removed it for testing and found a place in my upper colon where something was pushing in on it. He believed my colon to look healthy. He thought the "lump" he saw pushing in on my colon was just another organ, I have had a CT scan and a test that checks for tumor markers and have nothing to worry about.

I just got the paperwork stating that the polyp is not cancer. I was presented to the deciding board and their decision will be in the post that follows this one.