To My Shame

When we heard of David's grandmother's passing we knew that there would be a decision to be made. We knew it would be difficult for David to make the decision, but we also knew what would be asked of him. I could not, and did not, ask him to stay. I wanted him to.

This pregnancy is challenging enough knowing that in the end there is no baby, having stangers so involved emotionally, physically, legally and in my most personal being. It is difficlut having people who have no idea personally what I am going through so invloved with what I am going through. Things are said and or done that just make me ask WHAT? To have the one person who is in this for me to be gone made it unbearable. To have no one that has MY best interest at heart near by was terrifying.

I know that David would never do anything to hurt me. I KNOW THIS! But being pregnant, and not being the "one picked" was devesatating. I am certain it was my selfishness that caused these feelings, I would like to blame the exhaustiona and hormones for some of it though. It hurt that my best/only friend would leave me when he knows what I am going through and had to hold me in the shower while I balwed earlier in the week because of true mental and physical exhaustion. It hurt that his family would ask him to leave me.

David called VERY often. We spent hours on the phone, but every minute reminded me that he wasn't able to be here with me. Hearing his family in the background excited and having fun, sometimes shouting "we love you" only reminded me that they asked him to leave me alone. That their needs were greater than mine. Not once did anyone say thank you for covering for David at work, while doing your own job too, or not asking him to not go, for not makeing a big deal of him leaving, or we are sorry we asked David to leave you, or anything reassureing.

I am still struggling with the fact that it was ok with everyone to leave me alone. That ... That it was no big deal. Her cervix is closed so it is ok. I wish it was ok. I wish I was ok. I wish that I could take back all the tears and frustration I have shared with David. I wish I could take it all back. I wish that I was not putting him through this. I wish I was stonger. I wish...