Surrogacy can get in the way sometimes...

Surrogacy costs my family other "things" than money.  

Today my sister and brother are moving my mom into a nursing home.  I can't go home to help.  My mom lives in Iowa.  It is a 15 hour drive straight through.  I am currently 7 weeks pregnant.  There is no way I can ride in a car for 15 hours straight.  I am not allowed to travel without "written permission" from the IVF Dr.  

I just found out last Friday evening.  I thought the date was would be a little farther in the future so I could get everything on my end together so I could help, I mean I just found out the week before that they were seriously talking to the social worker about it.  I had arranged to take 11 days off over Christmas because that is the time-frame mom had been talking. 6 days notice is not enough.  I've needed to travel for work and I had to get permission weeks in advance. Unfortunately, I got back from a work trip late the night before I was told they were moving my mom and I need to leave again Tuesday.  

This stinks.  I want to be there for my mom, sister and brother.  I don't want to be seen as the child who doesn't care.  I love my mom.  Please pray for my family as they get everything together.  Pray for my mom as she surrenders her "freedom".  Pray that I am able to be of some help from here and when I do get to go home.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Be with my family. Please guard, guide and direct our ways as we move into this new phase of my mom's life.   Please help me to be there for them even though I am so far away.
Amen

BETA is 192.3

The RE Dr. Brahma called me herself to tell me.  Everything looks great, BETA(HCG), Estrogen, and Progesterone.  Now the wait is on until Tuesday September 4, 2012 for a second check.
I believe the IM is happy!!
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you!  Please continue to have your hand on this pregnancy.
Amen

BETA is today!

So, today is the official pregnancy blood test.  The blood is drawn and now I wait.

More Contract ... REALLY?

I am struggling right now.  

Yesterday I was greeted with a text from the lawyer that helped our family with the contract.  She was referencing an email that I had not yet read. "I'm going to let you handle that email, 'cause I won't be nice in my response. ..." (text) "A and I really apologize for overlooking any part of the contract. I have to be honest and say that I have not read over the contract as I should, but will make a concerted effort to do so this weekend.  A ... we were responsible for Miscellaneous expenses* for July and Aug on top of the $*** at time of meds and the $*** at time of transfer.  We would never try to back out of our obligations ... let us know if you have a concern.  We will get ... squared away.  The only other concern ... the cost of your attorney.  If we owe the money we will pay it, ..., Attorney C and her staff completed the bulk of the contract including legal wording for Georgia, we all were apart of agreeing on the bottomline fees, ..., so I feel slightly irritated that a fee of $**** would be charged to us.  My source of reference is that our previous surrogate ..., therefore, her attorney was not only apart of the bottomline, but also responsible for adding all of the legal wording for the state of ..., her entire fee was $****.  My thinking is that $*** fair." (Email from my IM, my lawyer was referring to)  

I am very uncomfortable with the situation S's email eludes to. I have spoken with my attorney and she has agreed to S's $***.  My concern is that the invoice for my attorney was submitted July 18, 2012 over a month before the embryo transfer.  I should have been notified that there were concerns long before I agreed to and followed through with the date of August 20, 2012 for a transfer. Here I am with the stress of money issues trying my best to take care A and S's baby.  I am concerned with the statement made by S above, about reading the contract(a statement made before in July more than once). I feel as though A and S do not fully understand the contract that they signed. I am also concerned that there were details that were not talked about, especially after the monthly allowance* questions. My initial email questioning the parameters of the allowance was sent July 30, 2012 and was resolved August 21, 2012, and only after a fourth email was sent. I have been very upfront that I have a $*** deductible. Are A and S aware that they will need to pay my deductible, or is everyone expecting me to take care of that, if so please let me know now so I can put money away each month to cover that expense.  A and S are also responsible to pay for a life insurance policy that they are partial beneficiaries of, or is that going to be a problem when I submit that expense?.

I can feel S's "irritation" above. I am concerned that these circumstances if continued will cloud our relationship with resentment over money and concessions.  I currently feel trapped, and somewhat betrayed, in a bad situation that could turn into something much worse. I would have appreciated all of these concerns to have been addressed before we signed and/or transferred.  I spent much time and consideration on the contract before signing it. I purposely agreed to everything in it knowing how restrictive it is on my life, but understanding it is for the comfort and reassurance of A and S and safety of their embryo/baby.  

Frustrated.  What now?  Enough rambling and venting!

Dear Heavenly Father, Holy Spirit and Precious Jesus, my Savior,

Guard, Guide and Direct me, please.

Amen

Embryo Transfer Today!

Today was embryo transfer day.  It was very medical and spiritual.  The procedure involved a very FULL bladder, a paper sheet, a fancy reclining table, stirrups, spec.ulum, a catheter, a great embryologist, a great RE, two ultrasound techs, one ultrasound machine, a 5 day blast and two couples. The IM was praying while the transfer was going on and then we, (the IP's, David and me) all prayed together before we went our separate ways, me and David back to work and the IM's to their home.

The embryo was a hatching 5 day blast,  it looked amazing.  I am a little achy, but I have been since we added progesterone.  Official BETA test is scheduled for August 30, 2012, 10dp5dt(10 days past 5 day transfer).

I am still concerned with a couple of things not being followed per the contract hopefully we will get them ironed out this week.

Dear Heavenly Father,
There are no words to say.  Please hear my heart.
Amen

First Progesterone In Oil shot

Surrogacy takes a lot of medicines.  I have been taking daily shots of Lupron(in my what I like to call stomach muscle protectant). Tomorrow marks the last of 34 Lupron shots.  Last night was the first of an undetermined amount of Progesterone In Oil shots.  My husband David has given me all but three(maybe) for the past two journeys and last night was the first of many for this journey.  He is a PRO.  I didn't feel a thing.  I have a video on my YouTube channel if you would like to see.

 http://youtu.be/jh5_zrhLO2w

The first shot of PIO means that the transfer is very close.  I feel like this has taken a long time to get to this point,  March 2012 to now. There are still some $$$ issues I am waiting on answers for.  But, that being said, I have come too far and this couple has waited too long to get to this point and quit over a possible misunderstanding.  

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for the blessings of service.  Thank you for my best friend who is there for me and willing to go against his every, "I will not hurt my wife", to give me my shots.  Thank you for LOVING me (ALL CAPS) not anything small, but everything BIG and all consuming LOVE. 

Amen

How do I ask? What do I say?

Money is a very difficult topic to talk about.  How do you bring up the subject that someone owes you money???  How do you bring it up within a situation that isn’t supposed to be about the money?

I do not want this relationship to be about me asking for money.  I want it to be about the IP’s becoming P’s.  If I have to ask for money that makes it about money. 

I am a surrogate.  I am being reimbursed for my expenses and time.  We have a contract that has laid out the parameters of who, how, when, why, and how much.  There are expenses involved.  I have been driving to Dr. appointments since March.  I have been missing work, paying for the gas, paying for the parking, paying the co-pays, working my full-time job that provides the health insurance and taking prenatal vitamins to be certain my folic is at a “healthy for the baby” level.  Our contract was delivered to me on Friday July 13, 2012 (VIA UPS) we signed and got it notarized the same day and sent it back on Monday (VIA UPS).  The contract states that upon the signing of the contract I am to get a monthly allowance to help me pay for the above mentioned.  I am also to get reimbursed for “procedures”.  I have not gotten my allowance or reimbursement for the procedure.  I am okay with not getting the reimbursement for the procedure, but I could really use the allowance.  I have had to purchase more prenatal vitamins, more alcohol swabs for the injections and miss a couple of hours of work, pay for gas and parking and I will need to miss a couple more hours of work, pay for parking and gas, on Friday. 

Because I did not get an allowance at the signing I have brought this question to the IP’s lawyers and my lawyer Monday July 30, 2012, but have heard nothing back.  I brought it up again Friday August 3, 2012.  My lawyer told me she would contact the IP’s lawyer Monday August 6, 2012, I have not heard anything. I have found out that the IP’s lawyer is currently out of town until Monday August 13, 2012.  Where does that leave me?

I am really frustrated.  The lawyers have been paid.  I am spending money.  I am doing my part and NO ONE needs to ask or tell me to do what I am responsible to do.  Why do I need to ask others to be responsible to do what they are responsible for?  I have been taking my meds on time every day since July 14, 2012, changing doses as directed, giving myself a shot every morning.  I have been to 7 Dr./tests appointments since March.  I understand that most were pre-contract, but the IP’s must understand that most of these were pre-contract.  This means that I have gone above and beyond.  I did most of this, spent all my time and money getting ready for the contract without an allowance or reimbursement for 4 months.  That was 4 months not paying an allowance or reimbursement for my expenses. 

What do I do?

Dear Heavenly Father,

You are in control.

Amen

That wasn't so bad. And things are happening!

Well, the scratch biopsy wasn't so bad.

The appointment was started over a half an hour late so I missed more work than expected.  But, the pain was not as bad as some say it could be.  The Dr. used a numbing gel and shots on my c.ervix, but when the catheter passed through it did cause some strong men.stral type cramping.  I spotted for a couple of days, but nothing compared to my "normal" cycle bleeding.  I am excited to see if it makes a difference in my lining.

My cycle started right on time this month.  But, they are delaying the meds/transfer calendar for the Dr.'s schedule.  I did not start CD 1 meds on CD 1.  Instead I am starting on CD 11.  I was on Lupron 10 units for 12 days.  They lowered the dose to 5 units for 1 day then started a half dose of Estrace for 4 Days and now here I am today on the "normal" meds calendar as of this morning.

It is exciting to be "on" the calendar finally.  I have been going to Dr. appointments (5, 4 pre-contract, not counting all of the "blood fiascoes"), since March and to be somewhere track-able is exciting.  To be able to mark days off the calendar, to see progress being made, is a "WOOHOO" type of happening.  I have a lining check on the 10th and then the transfer is either the 18th or 20th, the clinic and Dr. lean toward the 20th for a blast transfer.  Then on to the 2 week wait.

Dear Heavenly Father,  I am amazed at Your works.  I am so thankful that You share so much with me.  That You allow me to take part in Your works makes me humble and in awe.  Thank You for Loving me.  Thank you for using me.  Please help me to do Your will.  That in everything: the glory, honor and praise be Yours.
Amen

My prayer for you

I have been asked to provide a letter of encouragement to a couple of special ladies going on a mission trip to NYC this week.  I searched the Bible I believe God's words to much more powerful than anything I could come up with on my own.  But as I think about what I found and the call that we all have been given, some of us answering the call and moving forward while others are still wondering "should I?", that this is good for all of us, and this is my prayer for you

Ephesians 3:14-19 My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God

Scratch Biopsy Today

http://www.examiner.com/article/scratch-biopsy-helps-implantation

When I met with the RE in March 2012 she mentioned a procedure called a scratch biopsy.  She had said that she did not want to get the end and think "there was one more thing we could have done".  So here we are today. This afternoon I am going in for a scratch biopsy, I will let you know how it goes.

Side Note:  We finally got he contract Friday July 13, 2012, (our first journey's 2nd "Birth"day). It is signed and shipping back the IP's lawyers today.  I started Lupron Saturday.  Things are moving prayerfully and hopefully in the direction of a baby.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you!
Amen.

Read the Contract

It is very important that you are aware of what you are asking of the other party and what you are agreeing to do.  This has been an issue of much concern and heartache.  I have been “lightly accused” of wanting my own way, “Heidi wants her own Dr and not yours as she wants someone to look out for her interests”.  I was told that the IP’s had “really gone along with everything so far”.  “Can’t you agree to …” The items I was being asked to agree to were already in the contract, the IP’s just hadn’t read the contract. 

I mentioned some of the items/requests/restrictions to the IM and she responded we are not asking that of you, that is attorney “C” putting those in the contract, which is just “fluff”. *We aren’t restricting your travel. “Hairspray?” “I haven’t read the contract as deeply as I should.”  If you are agreeing to and submitting a contract that contains specific items in a legal and BINDING contract then you are INFACT asking and/or agreeing to the items, not your attorney.

The frustrating part was, I asked for was a Dr that knows my health history, he is number one in the area, and a hospital half as far from work and home, but has the same level of NICU care. But,… I also said I agreed to their Dr of choice (a friend) as needed and I even agreed to go to their hospital of choice but wanted their RE to pick the OB/GYN, neither my Dr nor their friend has privileges to deliver there. *I did ask to be able to travel to see my son at school 3.5 hours, 200ish miles, away (they did not want me to travel more than 150 miles) and to visit my parents for Christmas because their health restricts their travel.  I also asked to be able to Blog my journey with no mention of the IP's identity, just about my experience, nothing of their experience.

Restrictions/concessions are in the contract but the IP’s hadn’t read it yet???  I had agreed to their Dr or hospital, they could not have both because of Dr/hospital privileges, not me. Had their Attorney not told them? Was she telling them I was just being difficult, had they not asked their friend if he had privileges at their hospital of choice?

Read the contract.  Know it.  You are signing it, you are agreeing to it.  I know and agree to the “crazy restrictions”.  Do you??

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am so thankful that You love me, more than I can comprehend. That You believe in me more than I believe in myself.  That You have done everything for me even though I only deserve it because of what You have done for me, not because of anything I myself have done. Please guard, guide and direct me.  Your will not mine Father.  Please bless this journey. 

Amen

Cycle day 6 and still negotiating

Lawyers are needed.  Lawyers can get “in the way”.  Lawyers are here to protect us.  Lawyers believe in themselves.  Lawyers make a “regular” person feel taken care of.  After all, that is what they are being “retained” to do.  Lawyers protect us from others and ourselves. 

In the first journey we did not get our own representation.  We believed that we would get fair representation, which did not happen.  The second journey we went with a law firm (The IP’s current law firm) that I had talked to about helping one of their “clients” (in the future possibly).  I met with two of the firm’s lawyers (June 2011) they told me how unfairly we had been treated previously, told me how much I should have been  compensated and told me what they would be asking for compensation for me.  Then months later they asked me to help a couple they had represented a couple of times before.  I thought we have had the conversation they had given me a dollar amount, they know what we “need” based on my wages and previous contract negotiations, they know my doctor, they know where I preferred to delivered, and they know my insurance they have “looked” through it twice now. They are now saying that the wording in the previous contract, the one they represented me in, had wording that if used for this contract could appear as insurance fraud.  WHAT????? Why is it now that they are not representing me it isn’t good enough but when they supposed to be MY lawyers it was ok?  That my Dr isn’t good enough and that the hospital is not good enough???

I have had cycle day one.  It came two days after the date I would have started meds based on the day that should have been cycle day one.  The lawyer had “conveniently” sent a fax to the RE stating that we had “negotiated the terms of the Gestational Agreement” on May 18, 2012, so that I could start meds when they wanted. (I hadn’t even seen a contract yet)  I got the contract June 6, 2012, five days after my projected cycle start.  I find it disheartening that it was so important to take care of the IP’s that “they” would be untruthful in order to work out their intended timeframe and not have me taken care of fairly.  I would have been on meds. I would have felt “forced “to sign a contract having already been on meds.  My life and family’s lives and my schedule have been on hold since I committed to this in early March. 

I feel “picked on” or “bullied” by a lawyer that came to me and asked me to help.  I feel it all started when I said I wanted our own representation.  But… the contract was unfair and very one-sided.  The comp was LOW.  Every part of my life was being “restricted’, my doctor, my hospital, my diet, my travel, my value (lost wages), my choice of doctor is being challenged again.  They would rather I go to a Dr. that knows the IF as a “buddy” rather than me go to a doctor that knows my body and the previous pregnancy.  They want me to deliver at a hospital that is almost twice as far away and up a road that is “prone” to “rush hour” traffic in which a person can sit in for several minutes to an hour or more at times.  The hospital I delivered at, and would prefer to deliver at again, for various reasons; level III NICU second in the state, less than 10 miles away from my home and even closer to work, and the treatment they provided on my first surrogacy journey was AMAZING.  I told my lawyer to inform the IP’s lawyers that if they wouldn’t agree to using my doctor that the RE could pick a doctor that neither side had ties to and I would switch.  The lawyer wants the power to approve or disprove any travel.  The lawyer is pushing the hospital.  No one besides me is going to be “naked”, I am the one doing all the “work”, and I have a family, job and life.   I do not understand the “change” in camaraderie. I am not asking for special treatment, I am asking for a Dr that I believe in and he knows me, a hospital that I know will take care of me and make special arrangements for the IP’s.   I am asking to value me at what I make not at what I am worth, because I am worth A LOT more than a dollar amount that a man decided to pay me more than five years ago.  I understand that the IP’s are spending a fortune.  I understand that the IVF cost a lot. 

The money isn’t my issue.  Compensation is compensation. But I am a grown woman.  I have had two babies of my own.  I have had a surrogate baby. I have had no complications while pregnant, other than the baby having tachycardia.  SO treat me like I am a grown woman that knows what she is doing, that is intelligent enough to make the right decisions, which would not risk the life of anyone’s over her life. 

I pray that we are on the way to agreement.  I pray that God guides my heart, mind, words and actions.  I pray for success.  I pray that the IP’s become P’s.  I pray that God is GLORIFIED. 

Heavenly Father,  You know my heart.  You know my fears, You know my worth.  Heavenly Father You know the desires of the IP’s hearts.  Lord, Your will not mine.  not my life, but Yours.

Amen

Negotiations have begun

Well.  I met with our lawyer yesterday afternoon.  It is hard working the contract.  Mostly because there are people, their money, their baby and my life involved.  I had given our lawyer some information to look over while reading the contract initially, regarding comps and fees.  I gave her a number that I was comfortable with...  She countered me after doing her research and gave me a number.  I told her to go lower.  I was very uncomfortable.  There is need for the comp.  My family will benefit.  This contract is very controlling of my life and lifestyle, more so than the other two, put together, I have had.  I do have a son starting college in the fall.  He was unable to secure any grants or scholarships. We lowered some fees, left some the same, changed my "lost wages" (still asking lower than my current salary).  We needed to be able to travel to Valdosta to visit our son at college, but not asking for travel out of state other than visiting my parents aged 83 and 92 for Christmas, and only if the OB approves my travel.  I requested permission to BLOG, of course with no mention of anyone's name and only about me and our experience.  Blah, Blah Blah.  I mean who reads this stuff anyway?
Well,  the counter has been made.  Please PRAY.  I am so thankful that there are lawyers in between us.  I am so thankful that our lawyer is an amazing woman of God.  I am so thankful!
Dear Heavenly Father,
Your will not my own.
Amen!

Here I sit 10 Days late and 4 Negative HPT's

So… Here I sit.  I have received the contract as of June 5, 2012.  I am currently 10 days late and 4 negative HPT’s late for the start of my cycle.  I have never been this late.  I believe the stress of May got to me and I did not ovulate.  Here is what May was to me.
• Delay in getting contract.
o Based on waiting for test results(they were complete 5-15-12)
• My father-in-laws Cancer is back and fighting, all other forms of defense have been played, he is moving on toward Chemo
o Had first treatment
• Mother’s Day (a sad IM not getting to celebrate it)
• Our 19th wedding anniversary
• Our daughter turned 16
• My Birthday
• In-Laws came to visit
• Our son graduated high school
• VBS worship team rehearsal twice weekly
• Two weeks before VBS a new songs added and needs to be choreographed
• The company I work for is facing many difficulties and the pressure has been put on.
• Waiting for my cycle to start June 1-3, 2012

I got the contract there are “concerns”
o Base comp(quite a bit lower than what this same law firm told me I should ask for a year ago when we met{before they started their own agency})
o Travel restrictions that would not allow me to go see my son at college his first year of school, or even move him there without getting together with a Dr and receiving permission.
o Lost wages more than $300.00 less, a week, than what I “bring home” weekly.
o Required to deliver at a hospital that my OB/GYN does not deliver at, so I would be required to change Dr’s (How many people need to see me naked?)
o Someone named Donald as the beneficiary/guardian of my life insurance policy for my underage children if I die.
o And a statement that “said” my husband and I expressly waived rights for legal representation.
o Not allowed to BLOG

I know everyone is “in a hurry” to get the meds started.  Believe me I wish we were at a point of starting.  I just know that I need to take care of my family first and foremost.  I understand that the IP’s need to be protected, the problem is so do I and if everyone is looking out for them who is looking out for me?  The whole reason I did everything I have done already without a contract is because everyone wants to protect the IP’s.

I wonder sometimes if God is holding onto my cycle until He is happy with how both sides are being cared for.  I said it earlier I have never been this late.  My body is God’s.  I am excited that He cares for me that much.  I am also a very impatient person and I am struggling with the delay.

Please pray that we can get this contract done this week ,my cycle starts and we can get on the road to making this amazing God fearing couple mommy and daddy.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I am Yours.
Amen!

The Tests Have Been Taken

Well,  The tests have been taken.  It is funny how many tests my husband and I have to "pass" to be pregnant for someone else.  When I was pregnant for myself  and my husband they did not make us take these tests to "OK" us to  have children.  Along with the psyche testing and evaluations we had to take the following tests.

Me:
TSH, HIV 1 & 2
Hepatitis B Surface Antigen, Hepatitis B Core AB IgM, Hepatitis C Antibody
RPR, Blood Type and Rh
Varicella IgG, Rubella IgG, Mumps IgG
CMV IgG/IgM
Gonorrhea/Chlamydia culture, Pap Smear
Mamogram

My husband :
hep b, hep c, HIV, RPR, HTLV, blood type

My blood tests proved to be more challenging than expected.  I had them done at my OB/GYN's office along with my Pap.  At the appointment they took 5 tubes of blood.  I  got back to work and received a phone call that was not enough I needed to come back, one more tube.  The results were sent to the RE and one test was missing.  I had to go back again today for another tube of blood.

Seven Tubes of blood from me, one finger prick, two cups pee'd in one by me and one by my husband, one mammogram, one pap and three tubes of blood from my husband. So now we wait...

Please continue to pray for this journey.  I have to say I feel so happy to be able to take this journey.  It makes me feel closer to God, I can't explain it.  My M - F job is not fulfilling, it leaves me missing something.

Moving Forward Bit by Bit

The appointment went well. I really like Dr. Brahma, she is so kind and encouraging.  Dr. Brahma was so informative. I got more information in this one meeting than I have in all the other appointments with the RE's put together.  She drew out the timeline, she explained procedures and measurements.  She like PIO as much as I do and is OK not using the "other" form of progesterone.  She has another procedure that may help that she explained.  She is willing to pull out "ALL Stops", so we don't look back and go what if we had tried that one thing too? 
There is a lot to do to move forward.  I have blood tests and "girly" tests I must get done.  David needs to have blood tests done.  There is the contract to talk about.  There are tests, contract negotiations, timing, scheduling, tests, meds, transfer, tests,...
I have two "girly" tests this month.  Please pray for great results, I would rather this journey to not moved forward based on other issues than my health.  Pray for the IP's and all the medical and legal staff.  Pray for me and my family. Pray for God's guidance and blessings.

Meeting with the RE Tomorrow

Tomorrow I go and meet with the the IM's RE.  This journey, if we move forward after tomorrow, is with RBA for a clinic.  I was with RBA with my first journey and RBA did the monitoring for my second journey. I like this clinic.  I feel safe with them.  The Dr. that did my first journey has passed away unexpectedly last year so I will be seeing a new RE.  I have heard great things about this RE so I am excited. 
But, along with the excitement comes a little nervousness, because of the unknown.  David and I met with the psychologist a couple of weeks ago before we went on a family vacation.  That is probably the "craziest" appointment, waiting to see if another person believes you to be mentally fit.  I was blessed that it was not necessary to take another "test", I had taken one in November 2011. This appointment with the RE, because of my age 43, soon to be 44, and weight, I do not consider myself overweight but some might because of a BMI of 25ish...  Makes me nervous.  What if the RE doesn't like me?  What if I am not the optimal candidate?  What if I am the cause of yet another heartbreak/ache?
This IM has been hurt.  I have seen only a fraction of the hurt when we talked at our initial meeting.  I believe it is deep.  Will I be blessed to be a part of her healing? 
I am excited to get the "ok" to move forward.  I am excited to see God's Blessings for this couple.  I am excited to see fewer tears of pain and many more tears of JOY.  Please be in prayer for this journey.

They are lovely!

I have been waiting to write.  I don't want to hurt the couple I had to say "no match" to .  I did not want them to think I said no because I had met someone else first. 
But, I do not want to wait any longer.  I must say it.  D & K are LOVELY. 
So soon after I said "no match" to the last couple the lawyers that handled my contract with A & B called me to say they had a couple they are trying to help.  These lawyers are starting their own agency for Surrogacy, (I will list the name once the web-site is up.)but they want to help this couple outside of the agency, they have already been working with them for over two years.  They are pulling my file from the agency so the IP's won't be required to pay the fee.  We are matching through the law firm instead.  They are a great firm to work with. 
OK back to D & K.  They are are lovely.  It is so amazing to find a couple that feels so right.  We talked about faith, we cried, we held hands, we laughed...  Well, K and I cried.  We went out to dinner, D asked if he could ask a blessing over the meal, YAY. They understand me and my faith, the reason I am doing surrogacy.  I can tell them, that God told me to do this and they don't blink an eye. 
We are moving forward. I am faxing the papers to get my records to RBA.  I am praying. 
God, Thank you for answered prayers.  Thank you for K & D.  Thank you for your Voice.  Thank you for answering a question with a definate yes.  Thank you for your faith in me.  Help me to be more deserving of your love and sacrifice.  Please be with those that are fighting this battle.  Those who are hurting. Those with empty arms but full hearts.  God please be with the couples still looking for a surrogate.  Help them to find each other.  Lord please protect those who are hurting from making a decision out of fear. 
In Jesus Name,
Amen

I had to say "No Match"

I feel terrible. I have been talking with a set of IP's since December 19, 2011. We started sharing more "personal" information in January; I gave them my personal and work email to make conversation easier. They asked about my insurance 1-11-12, the IM and I met 1-14-12.exchanged numbers... then I heard nothing from her until I reached out a week later, 1-21-12. The IM sent me a message through a social network two days later, 1-23-12, to tell me they had met with another GS the day before, 1-22-12, and were going with her. Then on 2-2-12 she reached out to me to see if I would consider working with them again, the other GS failed the psyche. I said I would consider and we started "messaging" again. We met this past Saturday, IP's and my family, we agreed to move forward and she was to send me her email, as i had already given her both of mine in January. Yesterday I still had not heard from her so I told them I do not believe we are a match because I did not feel as though they were fully comfortable with me, they still had not shared their last name either. She of course has now sent me their last name in an attempt to ... and even their home address.
I just don't want them to go with me because they want a baby "no matter what". I want them to work with me because we are a "Match", and I do not feel as though we are. There are just too many questions. This isn't about the money for me. I want to be a GS because it is the right thing to do.
What would you do?

Dear Heavenly Father,
This journey is so hard for so many reasons.  You know the heartbreak better than I do.  You also know the plans you have made.  I want to do what is right in Your Will, not mine.  I find it so hard when so many hearts are breaking and so many arms are empty to not rush in.  I do not want to do this because it is what I want to do.  I want to do this becasue it is what you want me to do.  Be with those hurting.  Be with those helping.  Help us to find each other as you want us to. 
In Jesus' precious name
Amen.

That was unexpected and now... Waiting for an email

Last month I met an IM, after several emails.  The meeting was great, I thought.  We ended with sharing our phone numbers and ...  I waited a week to hear back from her, I did not want to be TOO pushy.  I reached out to check in and received a response back with "we met with another surrogate and went with her".  I wished them luck.
Yesterday I got a text from the IM wondering if I would consider working with them, the other surrogate did not work out for reasons I will not mention.  I texted back.  I tried to email three times last night everytime I started an email my family had something I had to do.  I finally sent the email today. 
I am so sorry for these parents.  It is hard enough to hear that you are not able to "have" a child/ren without someone's help, but then you put your hopes in another person and it doesn't work out.  How should they feel?  At our meeting this IM had dreams of a Christmas baby.  Is that still a possibility?
I am waiting to hear back.  I do not know if they are talking to someone else.  I did not know last time.  I am willing to talk about a match.  I know it is so hard to feel 100% secure in trusting another person, that you have "just" met, with your chance of having a baby.  This is hard...
Please pray for this couple that are dreaming of a little one to fill their hearts, lives, and moments.  Pray that if I am to help them I can with God's blessing and guidance.  Pray that if I am not the surrogate to help them God directs them to each other, in His timing.

Another first step...

I am mailing an application to another agency this morning. It was only 6 pages long... not bad. This agency is being started by the lawyers that represented me when I went with Reproductive Possibilities for the last (Failed) journey. I had told Reproductive Possiblities that I would work with them again with another couple if a couple were to be found for me. I am hard to match, I will not terminate. They may never be able to match me and I am ok with that. Read the definition below and you will know why.

1a : to bring to an end : close b : to form the conclusion of c : to discontinue the employment of
2: to serve as an ending, limit, or boundary of
3: assassinate, kill

I have read stories from surrogates that have been forced to terminate, because when they signed the contract they thought, "it will never happen to me". They have lain on a table while a living, perfect, healthy baby's beating heart is medically stopped. They are then forced to deliver or carry a dead baby, which was just alive, until delivery on another date or to miscarry “when it happens naturally”. Simply because it was one of too many babies, or the parents did not think that this child, they so dreamed for, was not perfect enough to take a chance on.
I think about agency vs. independent. Agency gives me equal representation (kinda) independent gives you a large pool to talk to. Agency allows you to avoid the talk of money personally. Independent saves the IP's money, but may end up costing the GS's money, if you don't know what to ask for. I had an agency, but the IP's closed the escrow before I could get reimbursed. They were contacted by the agency, they sent an unsigned check. That kind of stuff happens. I emailed them, it remains unanswered. That kind of stuff happens.
As a GS you are fully exposed, literally, physical exams, psyche exams, home inspections... As an IP you can leave some things hidden.
There is so much beauty in surrogacy, but with it comes some ugly too.
Pray for guidance for all of us on this and other journeys.  There is so much ...

An unsigned check and an unanswered email

Surrogacy comes with several costs

• Pride
• Modesty
• Hope
• Time
• Dreams
• Money

As a surrogate the first time I had no representation/ no protection from myself and my giving.  I did not remember what a pregnancy would cost.  I did not understand the cost of driving, food, cravings, change in "must haves", clothing for work and home.  The second journey I had an agency that believed in reimbursement instead of monthly allowance, I would rather have a monthly allowance.  So I collected receipts and submitted for reimbursement.  Some of the items allowed for reimbursement are:

• Mileage
• Parking
• Meds
• Vitamins
• Lost wages
• Meals when traveling
• Airfare
• Taxi Fare

My negative BETA was November 16, 2011 (sad heart), cycle started Sunday November 20,2011(Feeling Icky), Thanksgiving November 24, 2011, guests arrived that Tuesday November  22, 20110, IP's ended contract (that was their last embryo), my daughter passed out and fell, (face first), down the stairs(after getting the Turkey in the oven), our guests left Saturday November 26, 2011 and my husbands parents arrived Thursday December 1, 2011.  All this while working full-time.
December 7, 2011 I got an email from the agency to get my receipts in.  Got them in two days later, but found out the escrow account had already been closed by the parents, before I was asked to get in my receipts. I was told I would get the money, the agency offered to contact the Intended Parents.  This isn't a lot of money comparatively to how much a pregnancy would cost, they had already paid flight, hotel and rental car, but still a $$$ amount.
I did get the $$$, I received a kind Christmas card and an "unsigned" check.  I wrote an email after praying hard on how to approach the subject.  I had already failed at getting pregnant. I had submitted my expenses after the escrow was closed.  I have not heard back from the IP's. An "unanswered" email.  
I do not know what to do.  I am letting it go.  There is no one to blame.  I trust these IP's.  I just feel as though I need to be honest with my journeys.  This stuff happens.
In the area of Surrogacy we are dealing with human beings.  Emotional, Living ,Breathing, Dreaming, Flawed, Perfect, Hurting, Giving, Desperate, Grieving, Empty, Questioning
This is a journey I want to be on.

Sad but not giving up

I reached out and got turned down. They said I was the only one... They met someone else yesterday and matched.
I am not giving up.

A week of Silence

I met a potential IM last weekend.  She is lovely.  The accomplishments she has made, the desires for her future, the talent and gifts she has, the places she has been, the places she wants to go, and the dreams she has of being a mommy.
This part of "dating" is very much like after that first encounter when numbers are exchanged and you are waiting for that first phone call. "Should I call", "Will that make me seem too eager", "Will that scare them away", "Will they think I am too pushy or just in it for the money", "Will they feel less safe with me if I push". " DID THEY NOT LIKE ME?"  "Are they looking elsewhere, is there someone else?"  Sometimes this part feels so lopsided.  They have my last name, I have shared my personal email, they want my insurance information, they need to know what I expect...  I do not have their email address, I will have no information on their insurance or finances.  I have been an open book I want them to feel safe with me, I have nothing to hide.  But, here I sit wondering where I stand.  My first journey was all personal and I learned a lot.  My second journey, failed pregnancy, I had agency representation and I felt protected,  This journey will be independent of agency, but I Will be represented.  The problem is without that middle man being paid to drive things forward sometimes journeys stall and change course without explanation or notification.  "Dating" is hard. It leaves room for much self doubt and examination when the line of communication goes quiet.  I love the idea of the agency, it is like having a chaperon, but it costs the IP's $$$$$ that could be better spent on their child. 
I have many conversations with God about His desires in regard to my desire to be a surrogate. Am I doing this for His reason?  Will He direct me to the parents He has picked out?  He answers.  He reassures me.  It may not be the "definite" answer I seek, but it is His presence.  His "I am here" and "I am listening", that gives me the strength to continue down this road and know that the answer is there.  It is in the beautiful smile of a mommy I know and a very special little girl that I walked past today, in what was a time span no more than a couple of breathes, but in I saw God's power and faithfulness.  Today in the lesson at church we talked about God: True, Good and Beauty.  Before the lesson HE showed me in that mommy who's arms are full of a beautiful little girl, HE is all this and more. 

The "Dating" part of surrogacy.

Have you ever heard the phrase "Don't date someone you are not willing (or planning) to marry?"  Dating in look for a mate was scary.  I did not do a lot of it.  I don't have many "friends" (my husband says I am too honest). So this is probably the most "getting to know you" before we sign on the line I have ever done.
When looking for a "Match" in the surrogacy world everyone involved must think about the relationship, the emotional, physical, and financial part of your life and how that is going to change.  As a surrogate you will be seen naked physically and emotionally for 9 + months by more than just the man who is your husband. 

• There are many Dr.'s, ultrasound tech's and nurses, and if your IP's are local and "Hands On", that will see you unrobed.  
• There are counselling appointments, psyche evaluations, and raw emotions(meds, pregnancy, delivery)
• There will be days when you can't hold it together and IP's that have never experienced pregnancy will not know how a pregnant woman feels and how to "handle/treat" (for lack of better words) her in this situation
• There will be days at Dr's appointments that you will want to talk about personal embarrassing physical stuff that you may not want to discuss with someone other than your Dr.
• In some instances your home will be inspected and a judgement will be made on whether you are a "good" homemaker
• There are days you will feel under appreciated and forgotten

So here I am in the dating phase. 
A potential IM and I have been emailing for a couple of weeks so far.  January 14th we are going to meet for lunch.  I am so excited.  She and her husband have been trying, they have frozen embryos and have been working with RBA.  (that is all I am going to share about them) I have enjoyed learning about them.  The places the have lived, and what they have learned and will be able to share with their child.  They seem to have a love for life, a real life, they live it and don't sit at home and watch other people living.  I have asked many questions and love reading the answers.  I hope they have some questions for us.  The last email sounded very positive in moving forward. 
I am praying. 

A pregnancy that did not happen

Hi All,
I know it has been a long time since I wrote.  Our contract restricted my blogging.  The parents have cancelled our contract so I am back to being able to write.
As you can see from the title the pregnancy did not happen.  Our transfer was November 2, 2011 the BETA was November 16, 2011. I am so sad for the IP's.  This was the last embryo.  I did not feel comfortable with NEFI.  I felt that the clinic believed in themselves too much.  In my initial interview with Dr Lavy he stated that he was going to follow the med protocol from my first journey because it was proven.  They did not.  They let my lining get up to 18, most surrogates I follow are happy to get to 8.  Was my lining too thick?  Dr Kort had the embryologist check the catheter to be certain the baby was not still there.  This clinic did not.  They woman in charge of "third party reproduction" scheduled my transfer date when the dr wasn't going to be in town originally.  Every ultrasound I had at NEFI was PAINFUL.  RBA in Atlanta never caused me pain.  I just never felt secure with NEFI.
SO Sad...  I have had very little contact with the IP's since the results.  I do not know what to say.  "I'm Sorry" doesn't seem to be enough. 
I have been contacted by a local couple about meeting and seeing if I can help them.  I am excited.  I will write more as the "dating" continues.

First, I am so thankful how GOD blessed me through the first journey.  Second, No Christmas card again this year.  I know we are not "friends" any more now that the baby is wholly theirs, but I thought maybe I would be on the Christmas card list. Talk about altruistic, I didn't even get the friendship that I thought developed during the journey. I am ok. I just thought...