Another first step...

I am mailing an application to another agency this morning. It was only 6 pages long... not bad. This agency is being started by the lawyers that represented me when I went with Reproductive Possibilities for the last (Failed) journey. I had told Reproductive Possiblities that I would work with them again with another couple if a couple were to be found for me. I am hard to match, I will not terminate. They may never be able to match me and I am ok with that. Read the definition below and you will know why.

1a : to bring to an end : close b : to form the conclusion of c : to discontinue the employment of
2: to serve as an ending, limit, or boundary of
3: assassinate, kill

I have read stories from surrogates that have been forced to terminate, because when they signed the contract they thought, "it will never happen to me". They have lain on a table while a living, perfect, healthy baby's beating heart is medically stopped. They are then forced to deliver or carry a dead baby, which was just alive, until delivery on another date or to miscarry “when it happens naturally”. Simply because it was one of too many babies, or the parents did not think that this child, they so dreamed for, was not perfect enough to take a chance on.
I think about agency vs. independent. Agency gives me equal representation (kinda) independent gives you a large pool to talk to. Agency allows you to avoid the talk of money personally. Independent saves the IP's money, but may end up costing the GS's money, if you don't know what to ask for. I had an agency, but the IP's closed the escrow before I could get reimbursed. They were contacted by the agency, they sent an unsigned check. That kind of stuff happens. I emailed them, it remains unanswered. That kind of stuff happens.
As a GS you are fully exposed, literally, physical exams, psyche exams, home inspections... As an IP you can leave some things hidden.
There is so much beauty in surrogacy, but with it comes some ugly too.
Pray for guidance for all of us on this and other journeys.  There is so much ...

An unsigned check and an unanswered email

Surrogacy comes with several costs

• Pride
• Modesty
• Hope
• Time
• Dreams
• Money

As a surrogate the first time I had no representation/ no protection from myself and my giving.  I did not remember what a pregnancy would cost.  I did not understand the cost of driving, food, cravings, change in "must haves", clothing for work and home.  The second journey I had an agency that believed in reimbursement instead of monthly allowance, I would rather have a monthly allowance.  So I collected receipts and submitted for reimbursement.  Some of the items allowed for reimbursement are:

• Mileage
• Parking
• Meds
• Vitamins
• Lost wages
• Meals when traveling
• Airfare
• Taxi Fare

My negative BETA was November 16, 2011 (sad heart), cycle started Sunday November 20,2011(Feeling Icky), Thanksgiving November 24, 2011, guests arrived that Tuesday November  22, 20110, IP's ended contract (that was their last embryo), my daughter passed out and fell, (face first), down the stairs(after getting the Turkey in the oven), our guests left Saturday November 26, 2011 and my husbands parents arrived Thursday December 1, 2011.  All this while working full-time.
December 7, 2011 I got an email from the agency to get my receipts in.  Got them in two days later, but found out the escrow account had already been closed by the parents, before I was asked to get in my receipts. I was told I would get the money, the agency offered to contact the Intended Parents.  This isn't a lot of money comparatively to how much a pregnancy would cost, they had already paid flight, hotel and rental car, but still a $$$ amount.
I did get the $$$, I received a kind Christmas card and an "unsigned" check.  I wrote an email after praying hard on how to approach the subject.  I had already failed at getting pregnant. I had submitted my expenses after the escrow was closed.  I have not heard back from the IP's. An "unanswered" email.  
I do not know what to do.  I am letting it go.  There is no one to blame.  I trust these IP's.  I just feel as though I need to be honest with my journeys.  This stuff happens.
In the area of Surrogacy we are dealing with human beings.  Emotional, Living ,Breathing, Dreaming, Flawed, Perfect, Hurting, Giving, Desperate, Grieving, Empty, Questioning
This is a journey I want to be on.

Sad but not giving up

I reached out and got turned down. They said I was the only one... They met someone else yesterday and matched.
I am not giving up.

A week of Silence

I met a potential IM last weekend.  She is lovely.  The accomplishments she has made, the desires for her future, the talent and gifts she has, the places she has been, the places she wants to go, and the dreams she has of being a mommy.
This part of "dating" is very much like after that first encounter when numbers are exchanged and you are waiting for that first phone call. "Should I call", "Will that make me seem too eager", "Will that scare them away", "Will they think I am too pushy or just in it for the money", "Will they feel less safe with me if I push". " DID THEY NOT LIKE ME?"  "Are they looking elsewhere, is there someone else?"  Sometimes this part feels so lopsided.  They have my last name, I have shared my personal email, they want my insurance information, they need to know what I expect...  I do not have their email address, I will have no information on their insurance or finances.  I have been an open book I want them to feel safe with me, I have nothing to hide.  But, here I sit wondering where I stand.  My first journey was all personal and I learned a lot.  My second journey, failed pregnancy, I had agency representation and I felt protected,  This journey will be independent of agency, but I Will be represented.  The problem is without that middle man being paid to drive things forward sometimes journeys stall and change course without explanation or notification.  "Dating" is hard. It leaves room for much self doubt and examination when the line of communication goes quiet.  I love the idea of the agency, it is like having a chaperon, but it costs the IP's $$$$$ that could be better spent on their child. 
I have many conversations with God about His desires in regard to my desire to be a surrogate. Am I doing this for His reason?  Will He direct me to the parents He has picked out?  He answers.  He reassures me.  It may not be the "definite" answer I seek, but it is His presence.  His "I am here" and "I am listening", that gives me the strength to continue down this road and know that the answer is there.  It is in the beautiful smile of a mommy I know and a very special little girl that I walked past today, in what was a time span no more than a couple of breathes, but in I saw God's power and faithfulness.  Today in the lesson at church we talked about God: True, Good and Beauty.  Before the lesson HE showed me in that mommy who's arms are full of a beautiful little girl, HE is all this and more. 

The "Dating" part of surrogacy.

Have you ever heard the phrase "Don't date someone you are not willing (or planning) to marry?"  Dating in look for a mate was scary.  I did not do a lot of it.  I don't have many "friends" (my husband says I am too honest). So this is probably the most "getting to know you" before we sign on the line I have ever done.
When looking for a "Match" in the surrogacy world everyone involved must think about the relationship, the emotional, physical, and financial part of your life and how that is going to change.  As a surrogate you will be seen naked physically and emotionally for 9 + months by more than just the man who is your husband. 

• There are many Dr.'s, ultrasound tech's and nurses, and if your IP's are local and "Hands On", that will see you unrobed.  
• There are counselling appointments, psyche evaluations, and raw emotions(meds, pregnancy, delivery)
• There will be days when you can't hold it together and IP's that have never experienced pregnancy will not know how a pregnant woman feels and how to "handle/treat" (for lack of better words) her in this situation
• There will be days at Dr's appointments that you will want to talk about personal embarrassing physical stuff that you may not want to discuss with someone other than your Dr.
• In some instances your home will be inspected and a judgement will be made on whether you are a "good" homemaker
• There are days you will feel under appreciated and forgotten

So here I am in the dating phase. 
A potential IM and I have been emailing for a couple of weeks so far.  January 14th we are going to meet for lunch.  I am so excited.  She and her husband have been trying, they have frozen embryos and have been working with RBA.  (that is all I am going to share about them) I have enjoyed learning about them.  The places the have lived, and what they have learned and will be able to share with their child.  They seem to have a love for life, a real life, they live it and don't sit at home and watch other people living.  I have asked many questions and love reading the answers.  I hope they have some questions for us.  The last email sounded very positive in moving forward. 
I am praying. 

A pregnancy that did not happen

Hi All,
I know it has been a long time since I wrote.  Our contract restricted my blogging.  The parents have cancelled our contract so I am back to being able to write.
As you can see from the title the pregnancy did not happen.  Our transfer was November 2, 2011 the BETA was November 16, 2011. I am so sad for the IP's.  This was the last embryo.  I did not feel comfortable with NEFI.  I felt that the clinic believed in themselves too much.  In my initial interview with Dr Lavy he stated that he was going to follow the med protocol from my first journey because it was proven.  They did not.  They let my lining get up to 18, most surrogates I follow are happy to get to 8.  Was my lining too thick?  Dr Kort had the embryologist check the catheter to be certain the baby was not still there.  This clinic did not.  They woman in charge of "third party reproduction" scheduled my transfer date when the dr wasn't going to be in town originally.  Every ultrasound I had at NEFI was PAINFUL.  RBA in Atlanta never caused me pain.  I just never felt secure with NEFI.
SO Sad...  I have had very little contact with the IP's since the results.  I do not know what to say.  "I'm Sorry" doesn't seem to be enough. 
I have been contacted by a local couple about meeting and seeing if I can help them.  I am excited.  I will write more as the "dating" continues.

First, I am so thankful how GOD blessed me through the first journey.  Second, No Christmas card again this year.  I know we are not "friends" any more now that the baby is wholly theirs, but I thought maybe I would be on the Christmas card list. Talk about altruistic, I didn't even get the friendship that I thought developed during the journey. I am ok. I just thought...