GOD is good!
Feels like a long time coming...
I can no longer blog about the surrogacy the contract won't allow it .... This will now be a blog about my journey... as my many other roles
The transfer will be either November 3rd or 4th.
Please pray for these parents, this journey and the baby in waiting.
Thank you Father for your love and faithfulness. Amen
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Well I started birth control pills yesterday
Well, yesterday I started the first meds of many... It seems odd to be on birth control, I had my tubes "tied" in 1996. The medication protocol is different with this clinic. I do not know exactly how different, but this clinic does not use Lupron. They don't use PIO shots they normally use progesterone suppositories. I used and prefer PIO shots. Using shots I know I am getting the exact dose, I can go swimming and have a lot less mess. I love the idea that there is no guessing how much my body is absorbing with the shots.
I do not know the date when I will start any of the other meds. I just know it will be after the contract is signed. The contract won't be given to us for review until I pass the "tests".
Next week we fly up to Connecticut for the medical and psyche screening. I keep joking with my husband that I hope they don't tell him I really am crazy.
The Intended Parents, A & B from now on, are currently reviewing the contract. It will take a week for the blood test results to come back so David and I will probably not see a contract until after Labor day.
I would like a late September early October transfer date, but I need to be on Meds for three weeks before the transfer and I can't guess when the contract will be done and signed. I keep trying to figure out the timing and I just need to give it to God. He knows what I have planned, He knows what I need. I have a business trip in September. We have a family trip planned and paid for in October, we must cancel by September 12, 2011 to get all of our money back. David's mother has asked us to host Thanksgiving this year. I need to go see my parents for Christmas. I have another BIG business trip in February. Maxwell graduates high school in May, and starts college in August. WOW!
Dear Heavenly Father,
I am amazed by your LOVE. The blessing and favor that you rain down on me daily makes me breathless sometimes. I am found speechless when I try to explain it all to those who do not know you, because there are not enough words to express Who and What you are to me. You are my EVERYTHING. Thank you so much for the love, grace, mercy, guidance, laughter, joy, challenges,... Thank you for loving me. Thank you for forgiving me. Holy Spirit please guide my ways that they may shine and point to God. Jesus thank you for the sacrifice, for finishing. You could have walked away at anytime but you stayed for me. Thank you!
In Jesus most precious and holy name,
amen
I do not know the date when I will start any of the other meds. I just know it will be after the contract is signed. The contract won't be given to us for review until I pass the "tests".
Next week we fly up to Connecticut for the medical and psyche screening. I keep joking with my husband that I hope they don't tell him I really am crazy.
The Intended Parents, A & B from now on, are currently reviewing the contract. It will take a week for the blood test results to come back so David and I will probably not see a contract until after Labor day.
I would like a late September early October transfer date, but I need to be on Meds for three weeks before the transfer and I can't guess when the contract will be done and signed. I keep trying to figure out the timing and I just need to give it to God. He knows what I have planned, He knows what I need. I have a business trip in September. We have a family trip planned and paid for in October, we must cancel by September 12, 2011 to get all of our money back. David's mother has asked us to host Thanksgiving this year. I need to go see my parents for Christmas. I have another BIG business trip in February. Maxwell graduates high school in May, and starts college in August. WOW!
Dear Heavenly Father,
I am amazed by your LOVE. The blessing and favor that you rain down on me daily makes me breathless sometimes. I am found speechless when I try to explain it all to those who do not know you, because there are not enough words to express Who and What you are to me. You are my EVERYTHING. Thank you so much for the love, grace, mercy, guidance, laughter, joy, challenges,... Thank you for loving me. Thank you for forgiving me. Holy Spirit please guide my ways that they may shine and point to God. Jesus thank you for the sacrifice, for finishing. You could have walked away at anytime but you stayed for me. Thank you!
In Jesus most precious and holy name,
amen
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
One Year Ago Today
One Year..
It has been one year since I gave birth to my first surrogate baby. It is hard to put a title to how I am feeling and how I have felt this past year.
I have asked myself so many questions. My husband and I have had so many conversations. What have we learned? What do we wish was different? How different could this have been? Do they understand what we, all four of us, with God's help and direction "did" for them? How could they be so involved in our lives for so long and then almost disappear? Is she walking? Is she talking? How many teeth does she have? Has she been swimming? What is her favorite food?
I do not want these answered because of what "we did", but because I thought we were friends. After all I did this for nothing and even at a $ cost to my family. I don't want "thank you's". I just thought we had a friendship, more than a "oh you are at church so let me show you the baby and tell you what she is doing" relationship, that is what everyone else gets. I thought we had become closer. After all the IM saw me "naked" more times than I would like to admit.
I thought, at least, the IM had become a close friend.
We did get an invitation to the birthday party on Saturday. We are going... I am so excited to "see" and "experience" the joy the IM has as a mommy. That is all I ever wanted for her, arms that are no longer empty.
I would do it again, I am doing it again. I would do things differently, I am doing things differently. I have learned A LOT, I am still learning A LOT. I am SO BLESSED beyond measure by God there is not enough room to write it out or even enough words to express it all.
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you! In Jesus' Name, Amen
It has been one year since I gave birth to my first surrogate baby. It is hard to put a title to how I am feeling and how I have felt this past year.
I have asked myself so many questions. My husband and I have had so many conversations. What have we learned? What do we wish was different? How different could this have been? Do they understand what we, all four of us, with God's help and direction "did" for them? How could they be so involved in our lives for so long and then almost disappear? Is she walking? Is she talking? How many teeth does she have? Has she been swimming? What is her favorite food?
I do not want these answered because of what "we did", but because I thought we were friends. After all I did this for nothing and even at a $ cost to my family. I don't want "thank you's". I just thought we had a friendship, more than a "oh you are at church so let me show you the baby and tell you what she is doing" relationship, that is what everyone else gets. I thought we had become closer. After all the IM saw me "naked" more times than I would like to admit.
I thought, at least, the IM had become a close friend.
We did get an invitation to the birthday party on Saturday. We are going... I am so excited to "see" and "experience" the joy the IM has as a mommy. That is all I ever wanted for her, arms that are no longer empty.
I would do it again, I am doing it again. I would do things differently, I am doing things differently. I have learned A LOT, I am still learning A LOT. I am SO BLESSED beyond measure by God there is not enough room to write it out or even enough words to express it all.
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you! In Jesus' Name, Amen
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I got an email (Ramblings my mind is SPINNING)
I got an email the other day, actually it was yesterday.
BACK STORY
I sent in my applications in November/December 2010. I had phone interviews. I was told that I would be "hard to match", and hadn't heard anything since. I thought the agencies had "given up" on me. I am older, I do not want to work with "same sex" couples and I will not terminate unless I am dieing. I thought that the agencies felt "three strikes" I was out.
I started reaching out through an online community. I started talking to two different families, at different times. The first one ended in them struggling with surrogacy. The second family, after the first ended, I found them to already have 8 children and then the IF's health caused that journey to stall/end. That , independent-online search, obviously did not work for me. I am so happy that it does work for others.
I decided after TWO families "misleadings/omissions" I needed to have someone else help me look and "protect" me. I reached to the lawyer that facilitated my first journey, they were polite. I contacted the RE's office, they referred me to another local lawyer that works with surrogacy, adoption, donor,... This law office is amazing. They contacted me by email, phone and we have even had lunch together. The two women I met are so encouraging and kind. They encouraged me that I will be "matchable" it just may take a few months. That was last Wednesday June 8, 2011.
TIME NOW (THIS WEEK TO TODAY) (Monday June 13 and today June 14, 2010)
My mind is spinning. I know this is early.
Monday I got an email from one of the agencies I had sent in an application to, and had a phone interview with. Someone that I felt had "given up" on me, was reaching out to me. We played email tag and phone tag. I PRAYED and PRAYED. I spoke to God about His humor and timing. [This agency works with international couples, I mentioned (to GOD) that Germany or Ireland would be "cool".] I got another email this morning informing me that the IP coordinator for this agency had some PIP's (potential intended parents)in mind and was wondering if I would be interested in them looking at my profile. I said "yes I am very interested, by the way may I ask where they are located?". They are located in Germany.
God NEVER ceases to amaze me. HE is the Beginning and the End, my Creator, my Lord, my King, my Supplier, my Source, my Everything...
BACK STORY
I sent in my applications in November/December 2010. I had phone interviews. I was told that I would be "hard to match", and hadn't heard anything since. I thought the agencies had "given up" on me. I am older, I do not want to work with "same sex" couples and I will not terminate unless I am dieing. I thought that the agencies felt "three strikes" I was out.
I started reaching out through an online community. I started talking to two different families, at different times. The first one ended in them struggling with surrogacy. The second family, after the first ended, I found them to already have 8 children and then the IF's health caused that journey to stall/end. That , independent-online search, obviously did not work for me. I am so happy that it does work for others.
I decided after TWO families "misleadings/omissions" I needed to have someone else help me look and "protect" me. I reached to the lawyer that facilitated my first journey, they were polite. I contacted the RE's office, they referred me to another local lawyer that works with surrogacy, adoption, donor,... This law office is amazing. They contacted me by email, phone and we have even had lunch together. The two women I met are so encouraging and kind. They encouraged me that I will be "matchable" it just may take a few months. That was last Wednesday June 8, 2011.
TIME NOW (THIS WEEK TO TODAY) (Monday June 13 and today June 14, 2010)
My mind is spinning. I know this is early.
Monday I got an email from one of the agencies I had sent in an application to, and had a phone interview with. Someone that I felt had "given up" on me, was reaching out to me. We played email tag and phone tag. I PRAYED and PRAYED. I spoke to God about His humor and timing. [This agency works with international couples, I mentioned (to GOD) that Germany or Ireland would be "cool".] I got another email this morning informing me that the IP coordinator for this agency had some PIP's (potential intended parents)in mind and was wondering if I would be interested in them looking at my profile. I said "yes I am very interested, by the way may I ask where they are located?". They are located in Germany.
God NEVER ceases to amaze me. HE is the Beginning and the End, my Creator, my Lord, my King, my Supplier, my Source, my Everything...
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Getting ready for a trip
We go to Disney. It is what we do. We have two teenagers that still enjoy spending time with us, without bringing along a friend. In getting ready for our summer trip I was going through some memories. I can't wai to make some more. Seven days and counting down! Here are some memories from out last two trips.
Disney Memories
Disney Memories
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Blogs I read
I read some amazing blogs. The women, families and their strength is so inspiring to me. There are blogs about longing, fear, praise, celebrations, desire and advice. I found most of these blogs through the search for more information on surrogacy and infertility. Some of the bloggers have overcome infertility and have gone through the steps of cautious fear to celebrations. Some are still struggling. Some bloggers are those who have stepped up to fill a need and help those struggling with infertility. And some, most that I have recently found, were blessed with a child and with that child came blessings in the form of challenges and triumphs. I have wept, prayed, laughed and rejoiced with these families. I have tried to leave encouraging words. The words and emotions remind me that there are so many other reasons to be here on earth, that in every situation there is a Kingdom moment. Read them. These families have so much more to offer than my simple blog.
On a side note, but blog related...
In my search for a new journey the question about "reduction/termination" comes up. One of the questions asked was; "What is the role of the intended parents in such decisions about abortion and selective reduction?" I see so many parents, with and without children, praising, struggling, searching, trying, praying. And yet on a questionnaire for a surrogate they have two questions about "reduction/termination"? Read the blogs see the longing, stop and say a prayer for those hurting.
Today I wrapped the presents that we got for our daughter's 15th birthday. I was looking for the words to tell her how much she means to me. This prayer is the closest I could find, as long as we stamp it "ANSWERED".
On a side note, but blog related...
In my search for a new journey the question about "reduction/termination" comes up. One of the questions asked was; "What is the role of the intended parents in such decisions about abortion and selective reduction?" I see so many parents, with and without children, praising, struggling, searching, trying, praying. And yet on a questionnaire for a surrogate they have two questions about "reduction/termination"? Read the blogs see the longing, stop and say a prayer for those hurting.
Today I wrapped the presents that we got for our daughter's 15th birthday. I was looking for the words to tell her how much she means to me. This prayer is the closest I could find, as long as we stamp it "ANSWERED".
You know my deep desire for a child
A little one to love and to hold, to care for,
to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive
and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in
Your holy image.
Guide me in all my choices so that this
conception, my pregnancy and my baby's birth
are in line with Your will.
Heavenly Father , hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit.
Amen.
How did I answer the question??? "I pray that wanting a child so badly they would love any and all. I do understand wanting a perfect child after waiting so long, but every child is perfect."
God,
Thank you for prayers answered. For blessings beyond measure. For uunmerited favor. Heavenly Father please be with those struggling. Be with us, outside of the struggles, and guide us to be encourager's and shoulders. Thank you for my baby girl. Help me to raise her looking at You. Thank you for trusting me with such a precious gift. Be with my next journey.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Monday, April 25, 2011
Looking Again
I am looking again.
I have been contacted by two families and have been put "on hold" by two families. The first family had to put their search for a surrogate on hold when the feeling of Inadequacies casued the IM to question herself, and ???. The second family had to put their search on hold when the IF got very ill, he has been in the hospital for nearly two weeks. In both cases the families each had children the first had two, from previous relationships, and the second family had eight children. You read that right they have EIGHT, ages 4 to 24 years old. I felt somewhat mislead by both families. The first one becasue the intended moter-in-law was driving the search more than the IM. The second family because they did not tell me about how large their famliy was until we met in person, the IM had mentioned 3 IVF babies, but not the other FIVE. The second family has 7 frozen embryos that they do not want to let go of, but when you already have 8 children you don't really want or have money to spend on someone carrying your baby, which caused pause a couple of weeks before the illness.
I am a little frustrated. I am called to be honest, I have been honest. I feel bad for both families. I do not know how else to say what I am feeling. I mean no fault or harm. I just needed to "vent".
I have been contacted by two families and have been put "on hold" by two families. The first family had to put their search for a surrogate on hold when the feeling of Inadequacies casued the IM to question herself, and ???. The second family had to put their search on hold when the IF got very ill, he has been in the hospital for nearly two weeks. In both cases the families each had children the first had two, from previous relationships, and the second family had eight children. You read that right they have EIGHT, ages 4 to 24 years old. I felt somewhat mislead by both families. The first one becasue the intended moter-in-law was driving the search more than the IM. The second family because they did not tell me about how large their famliy was until we met in person, the IM had mentioned 3 IVF babies, but not the other FIVE. The second family has 7 frozen embryos that they do not want to let go of, but when you already have 8 children you don't really want or have money to spend on someone carrying your baby, which caused pause a couple of weeks before the illness.
I am a little frustrated. I am called to be honest, I have been honest. I feel bad for both families. I do not know how else to say what I am feeling. I mean no fault or harm. I just needed to "vent".
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Timing New Journey?
Wow.
This weekend I am planning on meeting some potential IP's. I am a little nervous. With my last journey the timing didn't mean a lot to me other than I did not want to be pregnant through the summer so I could have some time with my kids while they were out of school. This time around I must think about my son's 18th birthday(January), a company convention I have been told I must attend(February), my son's graduation and summer vacation with the kids before my son goes off to college.
Looking at the dates from baby center, to get a better idea of timing..., it looks like the same time frame/schedule as the last journey would work best. I wold like to get started sooner rather than later. OF course I know that this is all in God's timing and His hands.
Fertile days Resulting due date
May 2, 2011 - May 7, 2011 January 26, 2012
May 30, 2011 - June 4, 2011 February 23, 2012
June 27, 2011 - July 2, 2011 March 22, 2012
July 25, 2011 - July 30, 2011 April 19, 2012
Aug 22, 2011 - Aug 27, 2011 May 17, 2012
Sept 19, 2011 - Sept 24, 2011 June 14, 2012
I am so excited. I can't wait to see what God has in store for this new journey.
Precious Heavenly Father, You and only You know what is ahead in this journey, who will be touched and when. Holy Spirit I ask that you give me the guidance and sight to see where it is that I am to go. Praise Your holy name. Thank you for the blessing that you bestow upon me every moment of every day. I ask for your forgiveness when I fail and the knowledge to always do it Your way. God be with the Intended Parents as they get ready for this meeting. Help us all to take the "us" out of the journey and make it about You and Your will. In Jeseus' name. Amen
This weekend I am planning on meeting some potential IP's. I am a little nervous. With my last journey the timing didn't mean a lot to me other than I did not want to be pregnant through the summer so I could have some time with my kids while they were out of school. This time around I must think about my son's 18th birthday(January), a company convention I have been told I must attend(February), my son's graduation and summer vacation with the kids before my son goes off to college.
Looking at the dates from baby center, to get a better idea of timing..., it looks like the same time frame/schedule as the last journey would work best. I wold like to get started sooner rather than later. OF course I know that this is all in God's timing and His hands.
Fertile days Resulting due date
May 2, 2011 - May 7, 2011 January 26, 2012
May 30, 2011 - June 4, 2011 February 23, 2012
June 27, 2011 - July 2, 2011 March 22, 2012
July 25, 2011 - July 30, 2011 April 19, 2012
Aug 22, 2011 - Aug 27, 2011 May 17, 2012
Sept 19, 2011 - Sept 24, 2011 June 14, 2012
I am so excited. I can't wait to see what God has in store for this new journey.
Precious Heavenly Father, You and only You know what is ahead in this journey, who will be touched and when. Holy Spirit I ask that you give me the guidance and sight to see where it is that I am to go. Praise Your holy name. Thank you for the blessing that you bestow upon me every moment of every day. I ask for your forgiveness when I fail and the knowledge to always do it Your way. God be with the Intended Parents as they get ready for this meeting. Help us all to take the "us" out of the journey and make it about You and Your will. In Jeseus' name. Amen
Friday, March 11, 2011
Reassurance
God is so GOOD!
I have been searching myself, my purpose, my direction, my motives... We have been looking for a new church family after much prayer. My biggest loss was; where will I serve if we go somewhere new? Will they need me? Will I have a place? I leave behind a high school girls' Bible study, a quarterly worship service and VBS song leader/Bible area teacher positions. The couple I helped attend this previous church. Will the next church family understand my surrogacy service?
We have been attending services and going to a few classes to "find out" about this new church family, doctrine, areas to serve and areas to be served . In one of the classes I asked, "what so you think about surrogacy?" Their faces lit up. One of the staff members daughter had completed a journey and they are so supportive. They asked me if I was ready to serve and where I was interested in "plugging" in. They felt my hurt over leaving service behind and were ready to support me in getting me serving again. They are so excited about my wanting to do another journey. God is GOOD.
The doctrine is let's go to the Bible and see what God says, let's pray. God is GOOD.
Today we got our tax refund, and went to pay off a planned trip to Disney, we noticed that a payment we believed we had made, that didn't show up last time we checked, was in fact there so we owed less than we thought. God is GOOD.
I have reached out to another local family in hopes of starting a friendship with someone on a surrogacy journey and maybe be the one to be honored with babysitting their most precious embryo/baby (ies). I heard back from this family today. We are still in the very begginings of "talks", but it is so encouraging that God has a place for me. Why doubt my purpose when I know that God has my purpose under His control?
Jeremiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Praise God for His marvelous plans.
I have been searching myself, my purpose, my direction, my motives... We have been looking for a new church family after much prayer. My biggest loss was; where will I serve if we go somewhere new? Will they need me? Will I have a place? I leave behind a high school girls' Bible study, a quarterly worship service and VBS song leader/Bible area teacher positions. The couple I helped attend this previous church. Will the next church family understand my surrogacy service?
We have been attending services and going to a few classes to "find out" about this new church family, doctrine, areas to serve and areas to be served . In one of the classes I asked, "what so you think about surrogacy?" Their faces lit up. One of the staff members daughter had completed a journey and they are so supportive. They asked me if I was ready to serve and where I was interested in "plugging" in. They felt my hurt over leaving service behind and were ready to support me in getting me serving again. They are so excited about my wanting to do another journey. God is GOOD.
The doctrine is let's go to the Bible and see what God says, let's pray. God is GOOD.
Today we got our tax refund, and went to pay off a planned trip to Disney, we noticed that a payment we believed we had made, that didn't show up last time we checked, was in fact there so we owed less than we thought. God is GOOD.
I have reached out to another local family in hopes of starting a friendship with someone on a surrogacy journey and maybe be the one to be honored with babysitting their most precious embryo/baby (ies). I heard back from this family today. We are still in the very begginings of "talks", but it is so encouraging that God has a place for me. Why doubt my purpose when I know that God has my purpose under His control?
Jeremiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Praise God for His marvelous plans.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Rejection, dissapointment, failure
How do we deal with this as children of God? We KNOW that He will never be ..., reject us, in our pain He is there, in our doubting He reassures, He gave His all, His everything, His only Son for us even when we were the reason a sacrifice needed to be made.
Over the past few months I have been "dealing" with things said, to me, about me. I have been told that what I believed I was, as a christian, wife and employee was wrong. I have failed and am failing. I don't know where to go from here, other than to God. I have spent many a moment, at night, in the morning, car rides; moments in the bathroom seeking (I Love my Bible app.). I go to Him I ask what I need to change. I ask where I can be more like Him. I take my hurting heart to Him. I ask how can I talk to others to get Him to them.
I believe this is on me, it is three different men, their opinions and me, three different aspects of my life. How can they all be wrong? I am the only common factor. "How can I be letting God down?" That question reminds me of a drama "The Chisel" by the Skit Guys, How can we let God down when we are not holding Him up: He is holding us up. So I go to Him and I ask Him to hold me.
I do not give up. I continue to "Love them like Jesus". Not like I would, I would walk away if that were the case, I would quit my job, I would not have finished Fuel, and I would ...
I heard a sermon along time ago on the topic of how do we know we love Jesus more than how much we love those around us... the answer was because we have not killed them yet. If we loved people at the capacity that we, as humans, have for love we would give up much more quickly, walk away, or "kill" them, but because we love Jesus more we hang in there. We (try to) follow His example of love: unconditional, unending, sacrificial, merciful, gracious, undeserved, overflowing, unmeasurable... I know I have yet to master this kind of love, but I also know that I am NOT GIVING UP!
I AM NOT GIVING UP!
In my searching I have found several verses that I am holding onto.
Passage Psalm 39:4:
4 “Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
Remind me that my days are numbered—
how fleeting my life is.
Passage Psalm 69:13:
13 But I keep praying to you, Lord,
hoping this time You will show me favor.
In Your unfailing love, O God,
answer my prayer with Your sure salvation.
Passage Psalm 68:34:
34 Tell everyone about God’s power.
His majesty shines down on Israel;
His strength is mighty in the heavens.
Passage Psalm 63:7:
7 Because You are my helper,
I sing for joy in the shadow of Your wings.
Passage Psalm 65:3:
3 Though we are overwhelmed by our sins,
You forgive them all.
Passage Psalm 61:8:
8 Then I will sing praises to Your name forever
as I fulfill my vows each day.
Passage Psalm 42:5:
5 Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise Him again—
my Savior and
Passage Psalm 48:14:
14 For that is what God is like
He is our God forever and ever,
and He will guide us until we die.
I also have this drama found in the Youth Specialties Ideas Library, I have changed it some, but the idea is still there.
For God So Loved
“For God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16) NLT
Alternative translation
{For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life. (Amp)}
For God…
No one is holy like the Lord! There is no one besides You; there is no Rock like our God (1 Samuel 2:2)
So loved…
Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, My people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to Myself (Jeremiah 31:3)
That He gave…
Thank God for this gift too wonderful for words! (2 Corinthians 9:15)
His only begotten Son…
For God made Christ, Who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin so that we could be made right with God through Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:21)
That whosoever…
God isn't late with His promise as some measure lateness. He is restraining Himself on account of you, holding back the End because He doesn't want anyone lost. He's giving everyone space and time to change (2 Peter 3:9)
Believeth in Him…
The word that saves is right here, as near as the tongue in your mouth,
as close as the heart in your chest. It's the word of faith that welcomes God to go to work and set things right for us. This is the core of our preaching. Say the welcoming word to God—"Jesus is my Master"—embracing, body and soul, God's work of doing in us what He did in raising Jesus from the dead. That's it. You're not "doing" anything; you're simply calling out to God, trusting Him to do it for you. That's salvation. With your whole being you embrace God setting things right, and then you say it, right out loud: "God has set everything right between Him and me!" (Romans 10:9-10)
Should not perish…
And if anyone's [name] was not found recorded in the Book of Life, he was hurled into the lake of fire (Revelation 20:15)
But have everlasting life…
"You don't have to wait for the End. I am, right now, Resurrection and Life. The one who believes in Me, even though he or she dies, will live. And everyone who lives believing in Me does not ultimately die at all. Do you believe this?" (John 11:25-26)
So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing Himself to the worst by sending His own Son, is there anything else He wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one. None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. (Romans 8:31-39)
Over the past few months I have been "dealing" with things said, to me, about me. I have been told that what I believed I was, as a christian, wife and employee was wrong. I have failed and am failing. I don't know where to go from here, other than to God. I have spent many a moment, at night, in the morning, car rides; moments in the bathroom seeking (I Love my Bible app.). I go to Him I ask what I need to change. I ask where I can be more like Him. I take my hurting heart to Him. I ask how can I talk to others to get Him to them.
I believe this is on me, it is three different men, their opinions and me, three different aspects of my life. How can they all be wrong? I am the only common factor. "How can I be letting God down?" That question reminds me of a drama "The Chisel" by the Skit Guys, How can we let God down when we are not holding Him up: He is holding us up. So I go to Him and I ask Him to hold me.
I do not give up. I continue to "Love them like Jesus". Not like I would, I would walk away if that were the case, I would quit my job, I would not have finished Fuel, and I would ...
I heard a sermon along time ago on the topic of how do we know we love Jesus more than how much we love those around us... the answer was because we have not killed them yet. If we loved people at the capacity that we, as humans, have for love we would give up much more quickly, walk away, or "kill" them, but because we love Jesus more we hang in there. We (try to) follow His example of love: unconditional, unending, sacrificial, merciful, gracious, undeserved, overflowing, unmeasurable... I know I have yet to master this kind of love, but I also know that I am NOT GIVING UP!
I AM NOT GIVING UP!
In my searching I have found several verses that I am holding onto.
Passage Psalm 39:4:
4 “Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be.
Remind me that my days are numbered—
how fleeting my life is.
Passage Psalm 69:13:
13 But I keep praying to you, Lord,
hoping this time You will show me favor.
In Your unfailing love, O God,
answer my prayer with Your sure salvation.
Passage Psalm 68:34:
34 Tell everyone about God’s power.
His majesty shines down on Israel;
His strength is mighty in the heavens.
Passage Psalm 63:7:
7 Because You are my helper,
I sing for joy in the shadow of Your wings.
Passage Psalm 65:3:
3 Though we are overwhelmed by our sins,
You forgive them all.
Passage Psalm 61:8:
8 Then I will sing praises to Your name forever
as I fulfill my vows each day.
Passage Psalm 42:5:
5 Why am I discouraged?
Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
I will praise Him again—
my Savior and
Passage Psalm 48:14:
14 For that is what God is like
He is our God forever and ever,
and He will guide us until we die.
I also have this drama found in the Youth Specialties Ideas Library, I have changed it some, but the idea is still there.
For God So Loved
“For God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16) NLT
Alternative translation
{For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life. (Amp)}
For God…
No one is holy like the Lord! There is no one besides You; there is no Rock like our God (1 Samuel 2:2)
So loved…
Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, My people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to Myself (Jeremiah 31:3)
That He gave…
Thank God for this gift too wonderful for words! (2 Corinthians 9:15)
His only begotten Son…
For God made Christ, Who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin so that we could be made right with God through Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:21)
That whosoever…
God isn't late with His promise as some measure lateness. He is restraining Himself on account of you, holding back the End because He doesn't want anyone lost. He's giving everyone space and time to change (2 Peter 3:9)
Believeth in Him…
The word that saves is right here, as near as the tongue in your mouth,
as close as the heart in your chest. It's the word of faith that welcomes God to go to work and set things right for us. This is the core of our preaching. Say the welcoming word to God—"Jesus is my Master"—embracing, body and soul, God's work of doing in us what He did in raising Jesus from the dead. That's it. You're not "doing" anything; you're simply calling out to God, trusting Him to do it for you. That's salvation. With your whole being you embrace God setting things right, and then you say it, right out loud: "God has set everything right between Him and me!" (Romans 10:9-10)
Should not perish…
And if anyone's [name] was not found recorded in the Book of Life, he was hurled into the lake of fire (Revelation 20:15)
But have everlasting life…
"You don't have to wait for the End. I am, right now, Resurrection and Life. The one who believes in Me, even though he or she dies, will live. And everyone who lives believing in Me does not ultimately die at all. Do you believe this?" (John 11:25-26)
So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing Himself to the worst by sending His own Son, is there anything else He wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one. None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us. (Romans 8:31-39)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The Waiting Game and Money
I know I have mentioned it before, if not here, verbally to friends, I do not know what wait is worse, the TWW or the search for the next journey.
I have been working with a couple for a few weeks. We have shared emails, IM's, texts, and phone calls. I was asked to share my fees and expectations and I sent them off January 18, 2011. I have heard back a couple of times, but I am still waiting to see where this is going.
Emailing my fees was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Money is a subject that is the end of many relationships; marriages, friendships, churches, purchases,... I do not want to offend. I do not want to come across as though I am only in it for the money. The facts are; it costs money to be pregnant, it costs money to go to the Dr., the amount of food changes, a clothing allowance toward maternity clothes only goes so far, one phone call used up most of my monthly minutes and the texts are not free on my end. Will money be the deal breaker?
I am going independent again. I sent paperwork to two agencies. The person interviewing in both cases said my "no abortion" stance will make it harder to match me. Going with an agency would be so much easier. The talk of money would have already been taken care of before we met, the "negotiation" would be on contact more than money. I was offered up to $32,000. with one agency because I was experienced and if I carried twins. That is not what I am asking of this couple because I am not in this to get rich.
I am a part of a social network for surrogates and IP's. One blog/conversation I came across was questioning why we(surrogates) wanted money, why we want clothes, if we love being pregnant why do we want to be paid to do it.
Doing the first surrogacy it was at an expense to us($$$$.); insurance premiums (now higher after a pregnancy), food, clothes, gas to the appointments, and parking. At the lowest fee I found online the pay rate comes out to $2.678 per hour if the pregnancy is 40 weeks long, that is not including the time at the start of the meds "pre transfer" or the healing time post-partum. My last pregnancy would have been at an hourly rate of $2.575, not counting the start of the meds or the healing time post-partum (I had a c-section and had to go back to work 5 days later because I had to go back to supporting my family). A pregnancy is not a 9-5 job, it is a 24/7 job. Every activity must be approached with the other family considered. It is no longer just you and your family.
Why do we want compensation? Why do we want to feel appreciated? Why do we want to feel as though what we are doing has a value?
Why the wait? Is it the money? Have I offended?
Praying and seeking God's guidance. Please pray for me.
I have been working with a couple for a few weeks. We have shared emails, IM's, texts, and phone calls. I was asked to share my fees and expectations and I sent them off January 18, 2011. I have heard back a couple of times, but I am still waiting to see where this is going.
Emailing my fees was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Money is a subject that is the end of many relationships; marriages, friendships, churches, purchases,... I do not want to offend. I do not want to come across as though I am only in it for the money. The facts are; it costs money to be pregnant, it costs money to go to the Dr., the amount of food changes, a clothing allowance toward maternity clothes only goes so far, one phone call used up most of my monthly minutes and the texts are not free on my end. Will money be the deal breaker?
I am going independent again. I sent paperwork to two agencies. The person interviewing in both cases said my "no abortion" stance will make it harder to match me. Going with an agency would be so much easier. The talk of money would have already been taken care of before we met, the "negotiation" would be on contact more than money. I was offered up to $32,000. with one agency because I was experienced and if I carried twins. That is not what I am asking of this couple because I am not in this to get rich.
I am a part of a social network for surrogates and IP's. One blog/conversation I came across was questioning why we(surrogates) wanted money, why we want clothes, if we love being pregnant why do we want to be paid to do it.
Doing the first surrogacy it was at an expense to us($$$$.); insurance premiums (now higher after a pregnancy), food, clothes, gas to the appointments, and parking. At the lowest fee I found online the pay rate comes out to $2.678 per hour if the pregnancy is 40 weeks long, that is not including the time at the start of the meds "pre transfer" or the healing time post-partum. My last pregnancy would have been at an hourly rate of $2.575, not counting the start of the meds or the healing time post-partum (I had a c-section and had to go back to work 5 days later because I had to go back to supporting my family). A pregnancy is not a 9-5 job, it is a 24/7 job. Every activity must be approached with the other family considered. It is no longer just you and your family.
Why do we want compensation? Why do we want to feel appreciated? Why do we want to feel as though what we are doing has a value?
Why the wait? Is it the money? Have I offended?
Praying and seeking God's guidance. Please pray for me.
Friday, January 14, 2011
yesterday
I forgot to mention that yesterday was my mommy's 82nd birthday and that the my Bible verse of the day was
Romans 12
A Living Sacrifice
1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
Romans 12
A Living Sacrifice
1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
Possibilities
I spoke to a great couple last night. I am praying for them and our family as we embark on a new journey together. I am excited, but trying to keep a level head as well. I want so much to take the surrogacy journey again, and as I stated in earlier posts my age does not allow me "years". I really like this couple. Talking to them was easy.
We have some similarities and agreeable ideas:
No to termination
Yes to openess and sharing
My family is important too
They like the idea of the clinic I have used already
They are ok with me using my current OB/GYN
It will be a journey of varied emotions
Let's move forward and see what the clinic says
We have a few diffences:
They both are in their 30's, on our end only David is
They have a 2 year old and a 10 year old, ours are both teenagers
I am sure there are more to list under both.
I am EXCITED. I am praying. I will update.
We have some similarities and agreeable ideas:
No to termination
Yes to openess and sharing
My family is important too
They like the idea of the clinic I have used already
They are ok with me using my current OB/GYN
It will be a journey of varied emotions
Let's move forward and see what the clinic says
We have a few diffences:
They both are in their 30's, on our end only David is
They have a 2 year old and a 10 year old, ours are both teenagers
I am sure there are more to list under both.
I am EXCITED. I am praying. I will update.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
New Direction
Well...
It has been a long time and lots has happened and nothing has happened.
Our family did some traveling for Christmas, December 23-27. We went to a retreat center with the extended Swangel side in KY. There was food, videos, cards, crafts, Wii, singing, presents, sledding (thanks to my husband), a trip to see Narnia, and a BAPTISM. There were 20 of us there, we rented three cabins and the lodge and had a great time.
MCCC Christmas programs were fabulous. The adult choir sang Sunday night December 12 and the children had their program December 19, in the evening.
There was also a wedding, a ladies brunch, a Christmas parade, our son's second musical production of the year, and David's mother came for a weekend.
The surrogacy journey is standing still at the moment. I am working with an agency, and have now got all but one piece of paper turned in. I still really want to do this. I fear though as I continue to get older everyday my chances are reduced. I am praying for God's direction.
So as I wait for the answer I have decided to get in shape, spiritualy and physically. David and I have started a 30 day program with Wii active four days ago, and I have started two different reading programs and studies in my Bible with the "YOU version" Bible app. So this will become my accountability. This is my challenge, that as I get to know God better through His word and study as I work on His "temple" this body physically also. I hope to drop 13lbs by my birthday, if the weight loss doesn't happen I hope to at least "Jiggle" less.
I pray that as I work on my relationship with God the relationships that I have with His children improve. I pray that as I work on His "temple" this body physically that I learn to love it as much as HE did and does as its Creator.
It has been a long time and lots has happened and nothing has happened.
Our family did some traveling for Christmas, December 23-27. We went to a retreat center with the extended Swangel side in KY. There was food, videos, cards, crafts, Wii, singing, presents, sledding (thanks to my husband), a trip to see Narnia, and a BAPTISM. There were 20 of us there, we rented three cabins and the lodge and had a great time.
MCCC Christmas programs were fabulous. The adult choir sang Sunday night December 12 and the children had their program December 19, in the evening.
There was also a wedding, a ladies brunch, a Christmas parade, our son's second musical production of the year, and David's mother came for a weekend.
The surrogacy journey is standing still at the moment. I am working with an agency, and have now got all but one piece of paper turned in. I still really want to do this. I fear though as I continue to get older everyday my chances are reduced. I am praying for God's direction.
So as I wait for the answer I have decided to get in shape, spiritualy and physically. David and I have started a 30 day program with Wii active four days ago, and I have started two different reading programs and studies in my Bible with the "YOU version" Bible app. So this will become my accountability. This is my challenge, that as I get to know God better through His word and study as I work on His "temple" this body physically also. I hope to drop 13lbs by my birthday, if the weight loss doesn't happen I hope to at least "Jiggle" less.
I pray that as I work on my relationship with God the relationships that I have with His children improve. I pray that as I work on His "temple" this body physically that I learn to love it as much as HE did and does as its Creator.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)