Feelings????

I got my newest packet of paperwork today, Everything seems to be moving in double time now. January 2016 seems so far away, one simple phone call and here we are. I am less than a week away from Pre-Op and just one day over three weeks away from surgery.

Pre-Op starts at 7:30 am. This wouldn't be a big deal if not for the fact that I am working the night before until almost 9 pm and then driving 3.5 hours to Nashville. My day will consist of blood work, EKG, Donor Education and a meeting with the surgeon. This will be followed with a phone call two days later at exactly 10:35 am, I have been told.  If all is well I then report for surgery no later than 5:30 am on the 3rd of November.

I am still trying to find feelings more than, "This Is What I Am Supposed To Do". The gentleman and his wife are very grateful and I believe they are wanting to make some sort of connection. I have no real reason to not. I have many "excuses" ; I started a new job, I work nights and weekends, my husband works a lot and opposite shifts to mine so my free time I would rather spend with him, I have house stuff to do when not at work, ... I don't know what to feel and I am certain there is no one way to feel about what we are doing. I am not expecting anything so maybe that is why I am not looking???

Having done three surrogate journeys and becoming so emotionally attached to the couples and their stories and then once the baby is born the relationships go cold it makes me hesitant. I do not need people to get close to me because I am doing something for them only to no longer be important to them when I am no longer needed because the "journey" is done.

I still have types of connections with two of the couples but it is nothing compared to what it was while working on having their babies. I wasn't really looking for connections then, but the intended parents's were in everything I did, ate, went, weighed, peed, pumped (for almost a year). I couldn't do anything without thinking of them and them wanting to know everything about it. I was with them through some of their fears and tears from previous loss so I was emotionally invested, it would take a frozen heart to not feel for these families. Then when the babies were born it was almost as though I never was a part of their lives, except for the milk I provided for a while ... then nothing. The babies were whisked away, while I was still getting stitched up, and I did not see them for days, weeks or months and then years. I did get a few photos of the first baby and frequent photos of the second baby and videos of "firsts" for a while and that was amazing, but life gets busy and I am no longer ... Family??

Is it all on me? I did not want to invade on their special time as a family. I waited for them to reach out to me, so I knew it was okay to be talking to them. I never knew if it was okay. I did go back to work six days after my c-sections, I did not have the luxury of time off and my bosses were "NOT the best". I still had a family, job and church stuff. And again I didn't go into surrogacy to get friends I went into it to help people.

Then there is my own family and being who I am and where I do/don't fit in also makes it difficult to know how to go about being a part of others' lives. To have families that I am a "blood related" part of but to not be an emotional part of. To be a part of a team but not be as valued as the others or even as much as those not a part of the team. To be told ... To be forgotten... To be looked over... To be alone in a group of "family".

I must say that the relationship with the first mom is getting stronger and I have been truly blessed because of this. I like having a friend. This friendship has nothing to do with surrogacy or what happened. It is just nice having a friend!

So I guess that is it. I am not going into this to make friends I am just doing it to help people. I am doing what I have been led to do. I pray "my body to Your service" and this is it. My service; wife, mom, volunteer, surrogacy and now living kidney donor.

The Distractions and the DECISION

We spent last week at Disney World in Florida.  The kidney donation board met the Monday we were there and I was told to expect to be contacted early that week after the board voted,(while we were at Disney).

If you have been to Disney World you understand that it is a good distraction from most of what you might have going on in your life. Between fast passes and dinning we had no time to rest or think on things that consume time that should be better spent.

• We checked in Saturday spent the day at Animal Kingdom and began our affair with too much to eat, many photos being taken, and very sore feet.  
• Sunday we walked around Disney Springs; shopped, got family portraits taken, ate lunch and then headed back to the hotel to get ready for the Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party at the Magic Kingdom. More photos.
• Monday we had breakfast at Be Our Guest in the Magic Kingdom. THIS IS A MUST DO!!!!!!!!! We followed that by heading to EPCOT and eating our way around the world after riding the re-imagined Soaring. I found myself praying and thinking about the people who were so strongly dissecting my health and reasoning of why I want to donate a kidney. EPCOT did an amazing job of distracting me. I did buy myself a new crown, umbrella, incense, and my favorite perfume that I can only find there. The food was so good. We at at the Biergarten, another must do. We waddled home to our hotel with feet with pressure blisters and tummies too full. More photos.
• Tuesday I woke up knowing that I could be getting a call. We "slept" in and skipped our first fast pass of the day and headed to our Behind the Seeds tour at EPCOT(10:30 am so not too much sleeping). While waiting for the tour to begin, MY PHONE RANG WITH A KNOXVILLE NUMBER.  I answered and heard the words so many people have been praying I would hear, "you have been approved". I immediately started crying and then the tour guide showed up to start the tour. The nurse on the other end gave me a moment to compose myself and I quietly listened and replied as needed. We celebrated by again eating our way around the world at EPCOT. Then once again waddled back home to our hotel at the end of the evening. More photos. 
• I wanted to get a celebration button, I wanted to tell everyone what God was doing and allowing me to be a part of.
• Wednesday we headed back to the Magic Kingdom and did most of our favorites, it is hard to do it ALL. We finished our day with dinner at Chef Mickey's watching the fireworks over Cinderella's castle. It was easier to relax knowing that the decision had been made and I now know what direction this new journey is taking next. More photos.
• Thursday we spent the day at Hollywood Studios. We rode all the rides, We got more photos taken. And again we ate too much food,  This was also the day we had to take one of our party to the airport so he could start his journey home. It is always hard to be a family a part. It is especially hard now that our children are 20 and 22. I am always thinking this could be the last BIG trip together. I am also facing reality that this could be my last trip. I am having major surgery and giving a part of me away.  I know my life is at risk everyday, but this time I am putting an undue/unnatural risk on my life.

Friday we booked our next vacation and then checked out.  We drove all day into and through the night and got home near 2 AM Saturday. Saturday was busy with getting back to normal and Sunday back to work.

And here we are. Today. I have the pre-op and surgery scheduled but I am missing so many facts and I am waiting for the paperwork to catch up to me.  I will write a post when I have more information. I may post some vacation photos as a way to distract me yet again and help pass the time until I hear more.

Thank you everyone who is praying. My head is spinning because this is all moving so fast now but there is still some waiting. I hope to write in more detail as we move forward this is all hard to put in words sometimes and then I let too much time pass. But now the real journey begins.

Colonoscopy 8/14

Is there a need to say more? The prep is always awful; they starve you, they make you drink awful flavored "beverage", and you spend hours sitting on the toilet.

The Dr. found one polyp and removed it for testing and found a place in my upper colon where something was pushing in on it. He believed my colon to look healthy. He thought the "lump" he saw pushing in on my colon was just another organ, I have had a CT scan and a test that checks for tumor markers and have nothing to worry about.

I just got the paperwork stating that the polyp is not cancer. I was presented to the deciding board and their decision will be in the post that follows this one.

The Voice of GOD

I have mentioned hearing the Voice of God before. I have questioned if I am hearing Him correctly, am I worthy of the call, was I imagining it all, and the biggest question... "Am I CRAZY?"

I cannot do this experience justice.  There are no words that can explain hearing and knowing the Voice of GOD. There are so many emotions, too many for words. Words are too small, colors too plain and pale, songs too simple to describe GOD's Greatness. I have done my best to put into words just one of the times I have heard His Voice.

Yesterday I woke up and started getting ready for church and the drive to Atlanta that was to follow.  My husband had asked me a couple of times if me and the kids were going to an early service before we headed out on the trip. He had to work 7:30 am to 8:30 pm so he was unable to go with us and all of us had been working the past couple of Sundays so this would be the first time the kids and I could go together. I sat on my bed trying to figure out which church and which service, we have been attending one local church more than another but we were looking for a closer one to home to become active members of. My heart was unsettled about both churches and then I heard His Voice. God encouraged me to go to church in GA, Grace Fellowship in Snellville, we had attended there several times before we moved and always walked away fed and refreshed. We had a hard time connecting to the other members but always learned more of God's Word when we went. (Side note, this is where the first surrogate baby and her family attend.)

So I looked up the times of their services and as long as we left early enough we would be able to pick up head shots (in wrong direction), kiss David "see you later" (in wrong direction), make the usual "trip stop" at a coffee shop, get to Atlanta, find something to eat, book a hotel for the night and drive past the location that my son had an appointment at Monday morning before making it to the 5:15 pm service.

I shared this idea with my husband and he thought it was a great idea.  I was talking to him on the phone and when I mentioned going to Grace the kids got right up and started getting ready to go, mostly a rare occurrence (getting right up).

We got in the car, did our local errands and headed south. We got to Atlanta, drove by the appointment location, got food, booked the hotel and walked in to Grace Fellowship for the evening service.

While sitting there waiting for it to start there It was again, the Voice of GOD. HE told me to ask someone to pray with me before I leave,  I tried to talk myself into believing His Voice wasn't real this time. I tried to tell myself it was my anxiousness from the trip, the appointment the following day, the kidney donation, my new job, some emotions I have been struggling with... It had to be anything but His Voice. So I distracted myself with a quick call to the hotel to confirm our reservation, I told myself that the staff would be way to busy and I was just being needy and emotional. But, He told me again to have someone pray with me before I leave the building.  And as the service started it became apparent that I had heard Him, GOD, correctly. The service that evening was a worship, communion and prayer service. There it was, He had it all planned out. Not only was the staff not too busy but He, GOD, had arranged a service just for the purpose of praying for His people. I turned and looked at the kids and told them I was going to go for prayer when the time came.

When the time for prayer came I immediately got up out of my seat and row and starting walking toward the prayer team members waiting.  As I walked I asked GOD who I was to go to for prayer. I knew that if He brought me all the way to Grace Fellowship, in GA from TN, to be prayed over He had someone/s specific set aside for me and this exact moment.  I walked past a couple of prayer team members and there they were, the people GOD had there to pray for me.  I walked up and told them I have a crazy story and a unique prayer request. I told them that I woke up that morning in Pigeon Forge, TN and when trying to figure out where to go to church that morning GOD told me to go to Grace Fellowship in Snellville, GA. I told them that GOD had told me to be prayed over before I left the building and that here He had even provided a prayer service for me. I then told them that I was seeking prayer over my upcoming test and board meeting for the kidney donation.  How blessed yet unworthy that GOD would choose me for two surrogacy journeys and now this. They prayed over me, asking, thanking, praising, encouraging. Then there it was... GOD's reassurance to me. One of them told me that they actually knew someone who had just completed the testing and was donating her kidney to a complete stranger 8-31-16(Jessica F. you rock!).   They had been praying over someone already for the exact same reasons.

I wish I could find the descriptors to use in telling this

His Voice is real. HE IS REAL. HE is Alive, in me. I am listening.



Here is another time I wrote about the Voice of GOD.
http://mommomish.blogspot.com/2009/08/did-he-dial-right-number.html

I Passed!!!! Now on to more testing.

Well I got a call from the nurse in charge of my case at Vanderbilt to tell me I have passed every requirement so far.  I still need to take the urine test again but all the other tests from the 19 of July came back good to great.  Here are a few of the "results".

• My BMI is 10 under highest allowed.
• My glucose was good
• Chest x-ray OK
• EKG normal
• BP good
• CT scan good
• two artery on left kidney
• one on right kidney
• right has some complexity
• left okay'd by recipient's surgeon
• no sign of tumors anywhere
• Blood labs all good
• good cholesterol high
• bad cholesterol low
• combined high but only because of good cholesterol
• good immunity for some diseases
• negatives on all other disease
• not pregnant
• no tumor markers
• Hemo A1C excellent
• no diabetes in future ?
• tested negative for every recreational drug
• Dietitian approved me
• Psychologist approved me
• Donor advocate approved me
• Physician approved me

If I pass the retest on my urine it is on to a colonoscopy. Then on to the board for a vote.

I find it so hard to believe I am so blessed to have this opportunity. I have called and told the recipient's wife about the results coming back, they are so thankful.  It is strange to be thanked for something I haven't done yet.  

A Day of Testing

To be living kidney donors the medical and “head shrinking” staff want to make certain a person is healthy physically and mentally. To give of oneself is dangerous mentally, when things don’t go as planned do you feel at fault, when you are forgotten after the recipient has your priceless gift do you feel even more rejected, there is even more that these questions to consider. Physically this type of gift could cost a person EVERYTHING. Death is always a possibility. I go into this journey understanding this more than most living donors. Having done three surrogate journeys and dealing with all these situations and questions. I go in KNOWING.

I was scheduled for 8 plus hours of testing and appointments on July 19, 2016. Here is my account. I know it is long, the day was long.

I got a folder filled with papers containing a lot of information. I read everything. I have done a surrogacy so I am familiar with blood labs and fasting except this time they tell me I can drink water.  I failed both one hour test with my surrogacies, they told me when I fasted I couldn’t drink, not even water except to take any required meds.  After I failed and my insurance had to pay for the three hour glucose test they tell me I could drink water.  Grrr. Well this time around I was told that I could drink water but I wasn’t told that I would need to have drunk 6-8 8 oz. glasses of water before my scheduled CT scan at 720 am. Grrr Luckily we had stopped the night before and bought two liter bottles of water to take with me to the testing.  I have no trouble drinking water and had both gone in about 30 minutes.  That should be plenty of time to have the test done right, right?

I had never had a CT scan before and as we were walking to the second waiting room we passed an open door with his really cool looking machine in it and I was so excited, not realizing a the time that was where I was going, about how cool it looked and that it might be what I get to work with. 

I got my IV in, not fun. Sat and waited for a little while drinking my water of course.  As I sat there people came and went, people sick or recovering. So emotionally broken or so determined.  One amazing woman with a large scar on her head with newly growing hair barley covering the badges of her battle walked by and sat close. A few patients who were wheelchair bound. Some who could walk. Some patients and family members looked so lost or desperate clinging to their arm, looking so afraid to let go during this battle if even for a moment. 

When it was my turn to be called back I was greeted by this beautiful smile and spirit.  He tried to give me directions to the room and I admitted my lack of being to follow them so he walked beside me and assured me there was only one way to go.  Imagine my excitement when he led me to the room I had passed with such excitement only a short time before.  This was the first of MANY persons that asked me why I was doing this. Do I know the person, were we family? He was so kind in his appreciation of my giving to a complete stranger. I had no idea what was going to happen and he took the time to explain it all. He always had this beautiful smile on his face.  He talked me through it and was always quick to ask it anything hurt. At the end he offered his hand and helped me up and encouraged me as he removed the IV and sent me on my way to test number two.

Appointment/Test two was the labs; pee in a cup, nine tubes of blood drawn, and one “glucose crush” drank.  When I walked into that lab the techs were distant and the room felt cold. I set about being me and David and I had them laughing by the time we left. We left laughing and set with an appointment to be back in exactly two hours for another blood draw.

Appointment three found us headed to the EKG and that was probably the least painful in all aspects. Check in, the lady at the desk has the same birthday as me and was excited to share that with me. The test itself took no time at all and I had a good time making the tech laugh when I mentioned I got nervous because in my attempt to relax as directed I started thinking of Disney and got excite and was afraid that may have messed up the test. I asked her if my heartbeat drew Cinderella’s castle or a Mickey and Minnie head, she laughed at me and my silliness and sent me on my way to the next test.

Appointment four found me waiting for a chest x-ray in radiology. This test along with the EKC made me the most nervous. This one because of two reasons; as a child they had to cancel a surgery because of a spot of congestion on my lung x-ray and two because I would be required to remove my upper undergarment. The tech seemed almost sad when she dismissed me to get dressed and I admit I thought for certain this was the end of the donation for me.

Appointment five was checking in with the Dr. Dr. Heidi Schaeffer is her name. So now here I had met one person with the same birthday and now someone with the same first name.  Here was an uncomfortable situation, standing on the scale. I told the nurse my bladder was full form all the water for the CT scan and maybe I should take care of that before standing on the scale. NOPE.  It wasn’t too bad. Weight, height, blood pressure, pulse and temp, of course no one likes to have their weight measurement taken. We were moved to yet another waiting room and I still hadn’t eaten yet for the day as I waited for my second blood draw for my glucose test. One quick trip back to the lab and then a half an hour wait to meet the Dr., she was running late. Dr. Schaeffer was warm and funny and was the first to tell me how my life may be changed by this. My recovery will be hard, harder than the recipient’s. I will not be able to do some things I may do now. No more full impact cage fighting with my husband, we would need to take it down. We DO NOT have or have ever had a cage. She was the first to say this is dangerous. Here are the risks. You may die. The chances of bad are very low, but they are there. I think this was the first time I paused. Had I thought about the impact this may have on my family? She said everything looked good except for my urine test. I would need to retake it. Not a big deal just a bad time to take it on that day. She sent us on our way and as we left we said will you be there for the surgery and she said we will only see her if there is a problem. I shook her hand and said, “It was nice meeting you I hope to never see you again”.

LUNCH was awesome. It felt like it had been forever since I had eaten. It had only been 16 ish hours. Food was great and it was nice to have some time to talk things over with David. Was he scared? Did he want me to stop? What did he think? What about the kids? I admit it is hard for me to stop and think about my life and family when I start moving forward in helping someone else. I feel so bad about it after it is pointed out to me. I need it pointed put to me. Why can’t I see what I am putting my family through? I just need to slow down. My faith tells me that if it shouldn’t happen God will stop it. If I am led to do this I need to do this and God will take care of it all. When it is my time to die I will die no matter what I am doing.

Appointment six was to see the nutritionist. Her name is Jane; one of my sisters is named Jane.  She goes over what I eat every day. I have a terrible time remembering what I eat on a daily basis. My current job provides lunch on a busy day. My previous job didn’t allow me time for lunch.  I need to work on this a lot.  I gave her grief about my love of cookies.  She gave me grief that I will need to exercise to earn them.  She again mentioned the pain. She told me it may take a while to get better and what I need to eat to help my recovery. She answered a lot of questions.

Appointment seven was with the donor advocate. He almost made me cry.  His brutal honesty of the risks at times was shocking to me. His questions of who I am. He asked me why. He asked me what if.  He tried to understand me as I told him that I can’t let the fear of death stop me from living. And that living to me is this. Can my family deal with this? What about them? What about them? Why?  I think I will remember more of my time with him later, but for now it is hard to find. Side note; he is moving his daughter to Iowa City for her graduate work and University of Iowa. We are from Iowa.

Appointment eight was with the psychologist. I was nervous. I don’t want to be found “mentally challenged”. We talked for almost an hour. I can’t remember much of the conversation.  I will hopefully find it too. I do remember she is from the Williamsburg, VA area, we lived and worked there the early years of our marriage.

We left and while walking to the car David told me I am too honest, and that maybe he would have over analyzed and answered differently. I feel that when it comes to me I am an open book but in sharing the behaviors toward and treatments of me I am not quite so forthcoming. In all honestly I don’t know if it is worth the work it would take to change the habit of treatment I have so long “put up with”. But I also believe my desire to do something for others is to counter how others make me feel. I have lived a life of unacceptance and unworthiness which causes me to try to do EVERYTHING I can to help others feel WORTHY and ACCEPTED.

It was a long day. Several of the people I spoke to are on the board that decides on who gets to donate. Several of them said it all looks good. Some talked as though this is going to happen. I am waiting to see. I do not know how many more tests there will be. I do not know when I will know anything. I almost wish they hadn’t been so positive. Their current positive talk will make the “no” (not positive talk) hurt more if it comes.

Now we are back home and we wait.

A Different Direction

WOW!

I don't know where to start. I know I have been gone a long time. I am slowing coming back. This blog will be a journey of finding me. A look back to where I am from and where I have been, two different places indeed but both make me who I am today.

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on April 30, 2013. 

He was born by c-section, at his parent's request. They had recently had a friend suffer the tragedy of losing a child during a VBAC. I understood their nervousness after trying for so long and having failed surrogacy journeys with other surrogates at different points on each different journey, before this one. But I will admit I was disappointed. The recovery was much longer than I had hoped or wanted.

I didn't get to witness the parents, no longer IP's, meeting their son, but my husband did. He filmed their meeting for me. I didn't get to witness the first surrogate baby meet her parents and I did not wan to miss the opportunity again.

So much happened during this journey. A lot was not surrogacy related, but still connected in a slight way. There were hurt feelings. Toes were stepped on. Boundaries were crossed. Sick family members. Job issues and loss. In the end I lost a lot. I lost a lot of myself and I am still slowly getting myself back.

I met him once a couple of months after he was born. I got to hold him for a few moments.  

His mommy and I still stay in touch. I get photos every now and then, I got more photos in the beginning. Life gets busy, especially the life of a mommy! 

The journey wasn't about getting to know him and be a part of his life. It was about helping a heart to heal and dreams to be realized. My relationship was with his mommy. And even though it was him I carried. she is who I miss the most.

I will write more about the surrogacy journey as reflections. I feel I can be more honest now that I am finding myself again.

I live such a BLESSED life. The opportunities I am given amaze me.  

The different direction...

Live kidney donation! I am in the late stages of testing and may soon be a donor to a local man. This journey is similar, in many ways a little more scary.  And I know I am here at this place in this moment to do "this".