Feelings????

I got my newest packet of paperwork today, Everything seems to be moving in double time now. January 2016 seems so far away, one simple phone call and here we are. I am less than a week away from Pre-Op and just one day over three weeks away from surgery.

Pre-Op starts at 7:30 am. This wouldn't be a big deal if not for the fact that I am working the night before until almost 9 pm and then driving 3.5 hours to Nashville. My day will consist of blood work, EKG, Donor Education and a meeting with the surgeon. This will be followed with a phone call two days later at exactly 10:35 am, I have been told.  If all is well I then report for surgery no later than 5:30 am on the 3rd of November.

I am still trying to find feelings more than, "This Is What I Am Supposed To Do". The gentleman and his wife are very grateful and I believe they are wanting to make some sort of connection. I have no real reason to not. I have many "excuses" ; I started a new job, I work nights and weekends, my husband works a lot and opposite shifts to mine so my free time I would rather spend with him, I have house stuff to do when not at work, ... I don't know what to feel and I am certain there is no one way to feel about what we are doing. I am not expecting anything so maybe that is why I am not looking???

Having done three surrogate journeys and becoming so emotionally attached to the couples and their stories and then once the baby is born the relationships go cold it makes me hesitant. I do not need people to get close to me because I am doing something for them only to no longer be important to them when I am no longer needed because the "journey" is done.

I still have types of connections with two of the couples but it is nothing compared to what it was while working on having their babies. I wasn't really looking for connections then, but the intended parents's were in everything I did, ate, went, weighed, peed, pumped (for almost a year). I couldn't do anything without thinking of them and them wanting to know everything about it. I was with them through some of their fears and tears from previous loss so I was emotionally invested, it would take a frozen heart to not feel for these families. Then when the babies were born it was almost as though I never was a part of their lives, except for the milk I provided for a while ... then nothing. The babies were whisked away, while I was still getting stitched up, and I did not see them for days, weeks or months and then years. I did get a few photos of the first baby and frequent photos of the second baby and videos of "firsts" for a while and that was amazing, but life gets busy and I am no longer ... Family??

Is it all on me? I did not want to invade on their special time as a family. I waited for them to reach out to me, so I knew it was okay to be talking to them. I never knew if it was okay. I did go back to work six days after my c-sections, I did not have the luxury of time off and my bosses were "NOT the best". I still had a family, job and church stuff. And again I didn't go into surrogacy to get friends I went into it to help people.

Then there is my own family and being who I am and where I do/don't fit in also makes it difficult to know how to go about being a part of others' lives. To have families that I am a "blood related" part of but to not be an emotional part of. To be a part of a team but not be as valued as the others or even as much as those not a part of the team. To be told ... To be forgotten... To be looked over... To be alone in a group of "family".

I must say that the relationship with the first mom is getting stronger and I have been truly blessed because of this. I like having a friend. This friendship has nothing to do with surrogacy or what happened. It is just nice having a friend!

So I guess that is it. I am not going into this to make friends I am just doing it to help people. I am doing what I have been led to do. I pray "my body to Your service" and this is it. My service; wife, mom, volunteer, surrogacy and now living kidney donor.