Another first step...

I am mailing an application to another agency this morning. It was only 6 pages long... not bad. This agency is being started by the lawyers that represented me when I went with Reproductive Possibilities for the last (Failed) journey. I had told Reproductive Possiblities that I would work with them again with another couple if a couple were to be found for me. I am hard to match, I will not terminate. They may never be able to match me and I am ok with that. Read the definition below and you will know why.

1a : to bring to an end : close b : to form the conclusion of c : to discontinue the employment of
2: to serve as an ending, limit, or boundary of
3: assassinate, kill

I have read stories from surrogates that have been forced to terminate, because when they signed the contract they thought, "it will never happen to me". They have lain on a table while a living, perfect, healthy baby's beating heart is medically stopped. They are then forced to deliver or carry a dead baby, which was just alive, until delivery on another date or to miscarry “when it happens naturally”. Simply because it was one of too many babies, or the parents did not think that this child, they so dreamed for, was not perfect enough to take a chance on.
I think about agency vs. independent. Agency gives me equal representation (kinda) independent gives you a large pool to talk to. Agency allows you to avoid the talk of money personally. Independent saves the IP's money, but may end up costing the GS's money, if you don't know what to ask for. I had an agency, but the IP's closed the escrow before I could get reimbursed. They were contacted by the agency, they sent an unsigned check. That kind of stuff happens. I emailed them, it remains unanswered. That kind of stuff happens.
As a GS you are fully exposed, literally, physical exams, psyche exams, home inspections... As an IP you can leave some things hidden.
There is so much beauty in surrogacy, but with it comes some ugly too.
Pray for guidance for all of us on this and other journeys.  There is so much ...

An unsigned check and an unanswered email

Surrogacy comes with several costs

• Pride
• Modesty
• Hope
• Time
• Dreams
• Money

As a surrogate the first time I had no representation/ no protection from myself and my giving.  I did not remember what a pregnancy would cost.  I did not understand the cost of driving, food, cravings, change in "must haves", clothing for work and home.  The second journey I had an agency that believed in reimbursement instead of monthly allowance, I would rather have a monthly allowance.  So I collected receipts and submitted for reimbursement.  Some of the items allowed for reimbursement are:

• Mileage
• Parking
• Meds
• Vitamins
• Lost wages
• Meals when traveling
• Airfare
• Taxi Fare

My negative BETA was November 16, 2011 (sad heart), cycle started Sunday November 20,2011(Feeling Icky), Thanksgiving November 24, 2011, guests arrived that Tuesday November  22, 20110, IP's ended contract (that was their last embryo), my daughter passed out and fell, (face first), down the stairs(after getting the Turkey in the oven), our guests left Saturday November 26, 2011 and my husbands parents arrived Thursday December 1, 2011.  All this while working full-time.
December 7, 2011 I got an email from the agency to get my receipts in.  Got them in two days later, but found out the escrow account had already been closed by the parents, before I was asked to get in my receipts. I was told I would get the money, the agency offered to contact the Intended Parents.  This isn't a lot of money comparatively to how much a pregnancy would cost, they had already paid flight, hotel and rental car, but still a $$$ amount.
I did get the $$$, I received a kind Christmas card and an "unsigned" check.  I wrote an email after praying hard on how to approach the subject.  I had already failed at getting pregnant. I had submitted my expenses after the escrow was closed.  I have not heard back from the IP's. An "unanswered" email.  
I do not know what to do.  I am letting it go.  There is no one to blame.  I trust these IP's.  I just feel as though I need to be honest with my journeys.  This stuff happens.
In the area of Surrogacy we are dealing with human beings.  Emotional, Living ,Breathing, Dreaming, Flawed, Perfect, Hurting, Giving, Desperate, Grieving, Empty, Questioning
This is a journey I want to be on.

Sad but not giving up

I reached out and got turned down. They said I was the only one... They met someone else yesterday and matched.
I am not giving up.

A week of Silence

I met a potential IM last weekend.  She is lovely.  The accomplishments she has made, the desires for her future, the talent and gifts she has, the places she has been, the places she wants to go, and the dreams she has of being a mommy.
This part of "dating" is very much like after that first encounter when numbers are exchanged and you are waiting for that first phone call. "Should I call", "Will that make me seem too eager", "Will that scare them away", "Will they think I am too pushy or just in it for the money", "Will they feel less safe with me if I push". " DID THEY NOT LIKE ME?"  "Are they looking elsewhere, is there someone else?"  Sometimes this part feels so lopsided.  They have my last name, I have shared my personal email, they want my insurance information, they need to know what I expect...  I do not have their email address, I will have no information on their insurance or finances.  I have been an open book I want them to feel safe with me, I have nothing to hide.  But, here I sit wondering where I stand.  My first journey was all personal and I learned a lot.  My second journey, failed pregnancy, I had agency representation and I felt protected,  This journey will be independent of agency, but I Will be represented.  The problem is without that middle man being paid to drive things forward sometimes journeys stall and change course without explanation or notification.  "Dating" is hard. It leaves room for much self doubt and examination when the line of communication goes quiet.  I love the idea of the agency, it is like having a chaperon, but it costs the IP's $$$$$ that could be better spent on their child. 
I have many conversations with God about His desires in regard to my desire to be a surrogate. Am I doing this for His reason?  Will He direct me to the parents He has picked out?  He answers.  He reassures me.  It may not be the "definite" answer I seek, but it is His presence.  His "I am here" and "I am listening", that gives me the strength to continue down this road and know that the answer is there.  It is in the beautiful smile of a mommy I know and a very special little girl that I walked past today, in what was a time span no more than a couple of breathes, but in I saw God's power and faithfulness.  Today in the lesson at church we talked about God: True, Good and Beauty.  Before the lesson HE showed me in that mommy who's arms are full of a beautiful little girl, HE is all this and more.